beautiful eyes and undying hope

I am not vain. I promise I am not. I hope I'm not arrogant or stuck up... I try not to be. But sometimes you need to blog about incidents that occur, because they are significant to your day.

It is still relatively early... I mean, it is only 10:30am.

Anyway, as I was purchasing my cup of coffee, a person in line turned towards me and told me.... "wow. You have really beautiful eyes."

And if you know me, like REALLY know me, I am HORRIBLE with compliments. For a long time, I would just stand in shock. Others, I would deny it because I sincerely believed they were wrong and it was just flatter. But after living with two really great friends, who will not be named for the purpose of anonymity, they daily complimented me until I could finally just smile and say "thank you".

Well, this time, I did just that. I smiled to this absolute stranger and said "Thank you"... except he said "you probably get that all the time..." and all I could do was say "i guess...." ---> I don't... get it all the time. Yes, by people who are close enough, literally physically close enough, but not all the time.

Any how, this post isn't to tell the world I have beautiful eyes, because beauty is in the eye of the beholder. For example, I love LOVE LOVE, chocolate brown eyes. There is something about them. But, that is besides the point. This post is about connecting one experience to thousands of others.

1) There is so much hate in the world, so much violence -- take a look at Syria, Burma, NYC (THIS MORNING AT THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING!), Norway, and so forth. I think, that when confronting so much negativity, find something in someone, a quality (not necessarily a physical feature) that you find beautiful. For me, that person's compliment reminded me about the amazing dedication and sweetness of my two friends to build my self-esteem (as well as get over much awkwardness).

2) Be sincere. Sincerity, I believe, reflects passion. Sincerity of a word, a smile, an action, a commitment is no simple matter. The person from this morning reminded me of my mother, whom like all others, can drive me up the wall crazy. But the sincerity she has towards helping me move forward, will (hopefully) always be clear to me. That she is sincere in loving me. I mean, she spent so many days over the last month, making my favorite types of sweets, dinners, and so forth. And when I was being picky, she just laughed it off and offered me what was available. I don't know why, but I feel like sincerity can stir the world into empathy, passion, and action towards the betterment of society.

3) Awkwardness is okay. I mean, think about how awkward we are. I used to think I was super weird, super awkward, an oddball really; mostly because people always told me that I was, and supplemented it with some statement I had just uttered. But one day, I realized, everyone is weird. Who cares. Just do what you do and in the end, you'll be okay. Because, ultimately, I can awkwardly smile at the man this morning, or I could be nonchalant about it, but in the end, you are going to take your experiences (normal as they may seem) and turn it into a moment of mind-boggling discovery.

4) Sometimes, you just need a pick me up, the little things that make you feel "bubbly" (and no I am not talking about drinking the bubbly), and appreciate the simplicity of contentment. For me, I got four. I had breakfast with the parentals. I went to the gym. Stood in line to get a coffee (you know how I am about my coffee). And got a nice compliment. I'd like to point out that I've been having these really bad stomach pains all morning... and these four 'pick me ups' got be bustling with energy. Pushed me back into motion. I've been stuck in transition, in neutral, at a moment of stagnation, and now I've been propelled forward. Accept the 'pick me ups' no matter how random they may seem, or mundane. You need to see these seemingly normal activities as something that makes you happy. If you are forever cynical, critical, and down -- the most beautiful of experiences, may be lost on you, because you've forgotten how to appreciate the little things.

5) I could go on forever. I tend to interpret and reinterpret things, fold them, cut them up in my mind, and re-piece them together. Anyway, this last one is share with the world. Share your thoughts, your sincerity, your awkwardness, your bubbliness (and your downs in order to get all the frustration out), your love, your fears... really, just share your essence. I think we all have something to offer to someone else. Whether it is a smile or a fat check. This morning, I felt like I was blessed by someone's words. It changed my mood from heart ache to hope. I thought about the destruction in Syria and felt only despair. But now, my hope is back and brighter than ever. I felt anger towards the shooters in NYC, and now I feel potential for change. I felt frustration towards the massacres in Burma, and now I feel the excitement of raising awareness, of activism. This morning rekindled my buoyancy, my faith, my energy in sharing myself with the world.

I pray that I can try to try.

Really, I think that man had beautiful eyes, not me. Because he was able to see a person who was holding onto a lifeline of pessimism. It was like he looked back into the past to the beginning of humanity, and looked far into the future of mankind and saw undying hope.

Hope.

24 years of something or another

Good Morning,

Yes... Yes, indeed. It has been quite a while.

Anyhow. Today, I am sitting at my office, with all these books surrounding me... Most of them revolving around political identity, which tend to be written by sociologists or anthropologists... rather than authors in my primary field of political science.... makes me feel angsty....

Right...


So, basically... I have been experiencing a severe case of "Senioritis" --> Maybe all graduate students go through this... but it really gets tough at some point, when you feel like you are on this never ending stream of work... which is odd... because you do have some breaks in between...

My question is this... does it mean that everyone undergoes "senioritis" the rest of their lives, because they will be doing exactly what they are doing for the rest of their lives --- hence it being called a "career"? I love my career, but I feel like I need a time off from it all. Yet, it is in this pivotal moment, that if I leave it, even in a brief separation, it will haunt me... for the rest of my life. o.O

Plus, I don't think I could ever separate from it.... My brain would just run around in circles of what research projects 'could have been completed' while undergoing such a separation from work. So, maybe people just need to take short but meaningful vacations... A day away from life, 2 days, 5 days, maybe a week.

But when you do that, don't you feel guilty? I mean, I do... Imagine telling your parents or your spouse (not that I am married to my career or anything) that you need time away from "Reality"... It is as though you are choosing fantasy over the real world. Even temporally. So, even when I go on vacations... I take my books with me. Or I have to take a family member with me... I can't just go alone, because separating from reality seems to be daunting, intimidating, and possibly a bridge to insanity.

I went off on a tangent from my intended purpose for this post...

This is for all you people in the world... This may sound SUPER CLICHE... but I am going to say it, because after 24 years (yes a short span of life) of a BUSY BUSY LIFE STYLE.... these are my 5 tips:




1- CELEBRATE YOUR SUCCESSES, no matter how minuscule they may seem, because all of that hard work comes together in baby steps.... These miniature celebrations are a breath of relief.

----- For example, in the last 5 years, I have been working on a PhD in Political Theory -- but along the way, I took 2 series of comprehensive exams and (as of this month) will have completed 2 masters, one in Polisci and the other in Near Eastern Studies --- and I never celebrated these things along the way... so, embrace your jovial side and celebrate your successes.




2- Don't ever think you need to be separated from your family in order to succeed. Yes, family can be annoying and drive you crazy.... but you do the same thing to your family. My family has put up with my mood swings, my tantrums, my deadlines, my conferences, and so forth.... Even though you think you may be more effective away from them, and in many instances this may be true, but your family also changes your pace so that you are never bored, sick of it completely, or drowning in self-inflicted solitary confinement of your research.



3- Just do it. --- sorry nike, I stole your tag line --- but really, if there is something you want to do... just do it. Be impulsive once in a while (or like me, frequently). You want to become a rapper, just do it and record a song. You want to sew an outfit, do it and realize 'oh snap, I stink at this'. You want to cook an incredible meal, just do it. You want to go on a day long vacation, just do it. You want to start a business venture, just do it.... Sometimes, being impulsive, is the best way to experience life outside of the office. Its also a good way to discover your hidden talents and weaknesses; thereby, making you a more well-rounded individual.



4- Take in advice and make your own decisions. Maybe this is something that has to do with my personality. But usually, I seek the advice of people, both strangers and close ones, on a scenario both directly and indirectly. Just because you listen to what people have to offer doesn't mean you are going to do what they tell you to do. And just because you do something that someone suggested, doesn't mean you can lay blame on the person if it doesn't succeed. Essentially, the choice is yours in the end, but hearing different perspectives may give you that edge to make a final decision on complicated and simple decisions. BUT AGAIN, THE DECISION IS ULTIMATELY YOUR OWN, so don't go around accusing others of giving your bad advice. You are seeking their perspectives, they aren't prophets or sages.




5- Find your stress reliever and make sure it is a balanced approach. For me, I go on long winded walks, maybe for 6-7 miles (2-4 hours), or a run (in which I RARELY invite anyone). Sometimes, I meet up with friends to play a game of basketball or soccer, just to burn off steam. I don't know if people have noticed how I am in sports, but I seem a little out of it, like the game is mechanical, but my brain is analyzing something totally outside the scope of my current reality. It is because, in order to think things through, my body has to be physically engaged, in order to be mentally productive. That is just how I am. So, if you are the type who needs to be alone, then go off on your own for a while. But come back to the world in which you are situated.



I guess that is what I have to say.

Do your parents know

Sometimes it can be fun to look 14.... sometimes it can be fun to look 35.... sometimes, usually, when you are in your mid-twenties, people never get your age right...

I've been offered "drinks" when I was 14.... I've been carded to get into rated R movies, when I was 23.

I don't know if it is good or bad....

-----

I looked up at the shadow over my table... I was sitting alone... but something was blocking the lighting... and I saw a relatively young man... He wore his EMU t-shirt... I wore what I usually wear out, jeans, a knee length t-shirt dress, and a cardigan type of thing. Clearly, he was 19 or 20. Me, I am 24. However, at that moment he asked me... "Do your parents know you are not at school?" and I gave him a look that said... "really, little boy, really?"

I told him... "no, actually they do..."

He said to me... (sorry for the horrible dialogue stuff, I am not good with those transitions)...
"I thought there was still another 2 months till High Schools let out...?"

I responded with "High schools are not out yet, you are right... there is still a couple of months." (Keep in mind how I get when I am annoyed... you may hear the sarcasm and dryness in my voice.)

He said, "are you ditching school?" --> which, I guess, is the only reason I could be at biggby with a pile of papers in front of me... o.O

I said, "No." and he quickly responded with "no lying... you are clearly not sick... and the high schools are not out"

and I gave him a *are you on drugs* look... and said... "ummmm.... yeah.... did you need something?"

I guess this is when college boys think that they can flirt with high school girls, but don't realize they are flirting with someone who might as well be their college professor.... He *smiles mischievously* then continues on to say, "well, I live in nearby, just wanted to let you know..."

and I gave him a look that said *GEE GOLLY WHIZZ (PUMPED UP WITH SARCASM)* stating "listen, boy... (yes, I said boy)... I might as well be your mother... to me... you are a baby... yes, a baby.... I teach boys like you, everyday..." --> *points to the stack of papers that I am grading with rubrics and everything involved* then, I go on to say "clearly, I am not in high school... I am beyond high school, I am even beyond college..." *points at his t-shirt*...

"So, please... let me get back to my grading... because I have to submit my college students' grades before the week ends..."

He gives me a *bewildered* look... I give him *you've already wasted too much of my time, now go run along* look....

that was it...

Sometimes, I throw my hands to the heavens and thank God that I've got my mamma's genes... but sometimes, I shake my fist at the world and curse these creepy college boys for hitting on girls who they think are younger than them...

All I have to say is this...

Please... please... please... if you are a guy reading this, interested in engaging in a little bit of flirtation... please take in the context clues of the environment...

Stack of papers, rubrics, GIANT coffee (not even latte'd or anything), laptop open with "grade sheet", stack of books clearly delineating an age beyond high school... and last, but not least, the headphones that say "don't bother me... I'm in my work groove"

thats it...

bye.

Just unlock the door

People always talk about "where're the muslim women at?"

Really, often times, men within the muslim tradition (or men/women of other faith traditions) are those who ask "where are the muslim women?" Muslim women rarely ask this question, because we know where we are.... we're out doing things...

Whether you notice or not, whether we wear hijab or not, we are out there doing things. Personally, I work... a lot. I may not be on television, but I face a college classroom weekly. I face my co-workers weekly. I see neighbors and people from my town at the voting booth, at the local grocery stores, at the bank and so forth.

So, really... does it matter?

Are muslim women, suddenly the manifestation of Islam, and by thrusting her into the forefront, have we further burdened her with the chains of your expectations? So, if I happen to get interviewed for something.... am I suddenly or magically going to represent Islam? or represent myself? Are they mutually exclusive or not?

Essentially, do I have to represent a community, that may not necessarily align with my views? And when we never stated our position of "representation," of being the model muslim women, we are criticized for falling "short" of the expectations of society. Why does the "muslim world" (I use this loosely) expect us to "represent" them, when we never were given a choice in the matter?

Then... men will ask, "where are the muslim women at?" and just as they speak these words, they don't realize that doors have been locked and chains have been secured. This morning, I went to the mosque at fajr (dawn) prayer... and the women's entrance was locked.... ALL doors that allow me to pray in the women's area.... were locked... about 10 men passed, before I realized that they have not noticed that the door was locked... One man said, under his breath, "why is she just standing there?" with a tone of voice that exuded criticism... No, I am not trying to pick up men, by standing at the mens entrance, but I am waiting for someone to open the door. It wasn't until I asked someone to open the door for me that the door was opened...



I felt like, this experience, physical and real, was a manifestation of an abstract idea... We are heavily criticized by people, who are essentially leaving the doors closed in our faces.

Now, this rarely happens. I go to the mosque almost daily (or at least 4 times a week) at that time and the door has been locked only maybe 4 times in the last 5 years. But, it was frustrating to experience because the man who whispered under his breath, just criticized, without even considering my contextual reality.

So, this post is about unlocking doors... Maybe, physical... but even more so, unlocking mental doors... unhinging assumptions... and being genuinely considerate and empathetic, before you expect someone to live up to your standards... Maybe, just maybe, your standards are a load of BS to someone else... or just plain, outside of their scope of reality...

Muslim women don't want to represent Islam... don't want to be anyone's banner... UNLESS they choose to be. So, do not use them as your bargaining chip without even consulting them. I will never represent certain groups of people, because their ideology does not represent me... just because I may "look" like them... does not mean, I represent them.

That's all I have to say...

By the Token of Time...

I look back at the last ten years of my life and see the immense amount of change. I see the paradigm shifts, the outbursts, the tensions, the transitions, the pushing forward, the falling back, the temporary bouts of insanity, the moments of true clarity, the anger, the happiness, the frustration, the cheerfulness, the all of the above and more. But, when last year I finally had the opportunity to stand in front of a classroom and just share a part of my passion, to students who were unwilling given that American Government is a general requirement no one wants to take, I've felt the aforementioned feelings plus ten-fold. I wonder what influence Time has....

Time is a beautiful, yet disconcerting teacher. She challenges your forbearance, but if you withstand her, you reap the rewards. There are moments when engaging with Time, that you hate her so much, you'd like to cease her existence. You'd like to press that "pause" button for all of eternity. You'd like to rewind her, change her, fast-forward her --> but you can't. Benjamin Franklin says "Lost time is never found again" and to some extent that is true. However, you can never lose time, she is always there, silently with you. Waiting for you to take notice of her, waiting for you to remember her. You may forget Time, but you will never lose her. She is there, with your every breath, every step, every blink, every smile; Time is your life-long companion... Treat her well, and she will treat you well.

One of the biggest epiphanies about time I had, was when reading St. Augustine's Confessions during undergrad in my Ancient and Medieval Political Thought class... St. Augustine asserted that time, like human beings, are a creation of God. That God exists despite time, outside of time, beyond time. Upon reading that notion, I realized that Time, as a creation, as a 'being' needed to be treated as well as I would treat myself, my family, my friends, even my things... Time needed to be treated with the accordance and love; with justice and patience; with hope and with fear; with tranquility and with tension. Time needed me as much as I needed her. We exist together on parallel planes, in different forms, within the same universe.

I learned that over the last 24 years of my life, Time has been good to me. She helps me in tough situations, she gives me a piece of her whenever I need an extra moment to breath. She condenses and expands when I'm in tight situations. In fact, when Time is short, she gives me more; when Time is long, she reminds me how much of her I could forget, misplace, or neglect. When I remember her, I could swear I can hear her as she calls up to the Lord and says: "Reem remembered me... so, please Lord, remember her."

Maybe, I am in a mystical fantasy... Maybe, I am just one of those crazies who see things in material form despite their abstractness... Maybe, I fell in love with Time when I realized that our Lord made her specifically tailored to me. To be my best companion and friend. When I neglect her, I neglect a piece of myself. When I forget her, I forget myself...

Time is alluring, strong, patient, willful, nurturing, challenging, and thought-provoking. She is the epitome of beauty... there is no wonder that God swears by her in the Quran "By the Token of Time...."

<3

I hear you

I hear you, from the tranquil thrumming of a damascene 'Oud
to the patient plucking of a Korean Gayageum
in the whispers of the wind
through the chants of a Buddhist monk...
I hear you, through the vibrant and enchanting flames of a candle lit menorah
in the twinkling star, situated at the zenith of a christmas tree...
through the unruly curls at a young child's brow
in the spiral twirls of incense smoke ascending to the sky.
I hear you, in the rising steam of a hot cup of tea
through the purring of a contented cat
in the beguiling, trance-like dance of a dervish
through the murmurs and sighs of an unspoken secret
I hear you, in the romanticized memories of the past
and the hopeful enthusiasm of the future
in the restless pacing of a worried parent
through the excitement and passion of a new love.
I hear you, through the dense and impenetrable fog
in the flooding nourishment of the rain
through the blistering heat of the sun
and the dizzying whirl of snowflakes, as they coat the earth.
I hear you, in the storytelling of a native american elder
through the spirit of animals
in the history of souls
in the logic of time...
I hear you...
I hope you can hear me too...

restless

In the wind,
multi-directional,
continuity...
faith, apples, yesterday
restless memories
of beehives... honey
combing away
the knots in your hair...
dancer,
flowing like a plastic bag
caught in the wind...