Eating...

Good Morning!

Again, its been a while since my last blog post... but I've been wanting to post about eating healthy because, although we all have those horrible "binge" moments, for the most part, as a society we're learning to eat less and less healthy and more and more junk.

I am not an expert. But for all of those people who have commented to me "how do you always have something healthy to eat" this is how.

1- ALWAYS COME PREPARED.




Whenever I know I have to be somewhere for more than an hour (and this includes driving time), I pre-pack some snacks. Usually, I over-pack just in case. But I typically have at least one type of fruit, one type of vegetable, and one bag of pretzels/air popped pop-corn/wheat thins. If I know I'll be gone the whole day (which typically means I'll be too sleepy for dinner when I get home), then I'll add a home-made sandwich or salad (with some bread), an extra fruit, and extra veggie, and depending on my mood maybe some extra pretzels.


2- ALWAYS HAVE FRESH FRUIT AND VEGGIES IN THE FRIDGE.




I realize that when I start to get those "binge" cravings for something not quite healthy its usually after the fridge only has run out of fruit options... and all that is left is a rotting apple, orange, and a grapefruit from three weeks ago that doesn't seem safe to eat. And I'm talking about fruits, not veggies so much. Maybe fruits fulfill any sugar cravings because of the fructose, but if there are yummy fresh fruits as an option, I rarely want junk.



3- Pre-cut veggies and have some dip.



Sometimes, I want to snack on something but I'm too lazy to prep it. I don't buy baby carrots, but cut my own carrot sticks. I don't buy pre-sliced mushrooms, or chopped broccoli. On the whole, I believe and I may be wrong, that pre-cut veggies tend to go bad faster. Plus, they taste better, at least to me, when I cut them myself. Anyhow.... Sometimes, I know I'm in a snacking mood (like today!) and in an hour or so, I'm going to want to attack the fridge, but am too lazy to do so. So, I'll just cut up enough veggies for two days worth of snacking, seal it in some Tupperware, and then pull it out when I'm ready to attack.

4- Always have a water bottle.



I think we tend to know this by now.... but always have a water bottle (or if you're at home, a tall glass) at hand. I am always drinking water, and I'm not going to list all of the benefits of drinking water, but overall, water makes me feel better. Energized, light, and more conscious of my food intake. Here is a WEBMD's 6 Reasons to drink more water.

5- Friends (lol, and family) make a difference...



If you eat junk with your friends, you're eating junk. If you eat healthy, you eat healthy. I'm not saying that you should never go out for dessert (I mean those cupcakes yesterday were great!). Overall, though, every time you hang out shouldn't be for junk. For example, whenever I visit of friend of mine, she always offers water/juice/tea and popcorn. So, I never regret going to her place (yes, I know you know who you are ^____^). Then there are some friends who just encourage not as healthy eating habits, (that may be me I'm talking about!) where you're always eating candy and more candy and more candy when you're together. For example, because I usually eat healthy during the weekdays, when people come over or we go out, I want to just loosen up a little. However, if you have these types of sessions multiple times a week, you've just splurged on junk 4/7 days... and you've entered into a cycle of need. Once you get junk into your system at large doses, you literally need to detox it to get it out... I guess in this case, just be upfront with your friends and family and be like "do you have anything healthier?" or if you don't want to sound rude by implying that their food isn't healthy, you can just ask for some fresh fruit/veggies.

6- We pick up habits... and quirks




Okay. So, sometimes I used to get so sad that my parents NEVER let us eat junk as a kid. So, we'd sneak behind their backs just to eat some junk food. This turned into a cycle of binge eating. So, maybe for some parents, find alternatives to "NO!". But, this is about something else. My dad used to walk into the kitchen, open the fridge, and grab a head of lettuce. He literally would just eat lettuce like it was a bag of chips. Now, you may think that is weird, you may never have seen someone do that before, but I can tell you, that seeing that happen as a kid, makes me crave lettuce every once in a while. I will do the same, I'll go into the fridge and grab some lettuce. This also happened with yogurt (homemade), grapefruits (which both seem a bit more normal), and carrots. So, I'm guessing that kids, to some extent, pick up their parents habits. Hopefully, your parents were pretty healthy, so you picked up some good eating/cooking habits. But if not, maybe start a new cycle with your kids.

7- Exercise is a deterrent for junk.



Well, one it depends on what you consider "junk," but I typically will avoid foods that make me feel extremely lethargic, "food-coma" "itis" inducing, situations. So, usually fried (and breaded) food isn't an option for me. This is because exercise is a central part of my life... I use it to reduce stress, to get rid of migraines, and to just feel good about myself. Without exercise, I literally can't function. On top of that, no exercise + junk makes me feel like a zombie, rotting on the ground, too lazy to function....

8- Make your own stuff

When I first lived on my own, I used to buy frozen meals, frozen dough, anything that was just easier to make. The problem with that is you are never really conscious of what your food contains. For example, biscuits. When you buy them, you just think, "oh dough".... but when you make them at home and you scoop tons and tons of butter and flower into the mixture, you start to recognize the reasons why you should exceed the recommended serving size. On the other hand, pre-packaged meals really taught me to portion my meals more effectively. So now, although I don't really buy pre-packaged meals, I am a lot better at portioning my homemade meals into healthy servings.

9- Buy the big packages, serve in smaller ones.



Its a rip off buying things that are packages in "100 calorie bags".... or in individual servings. Seriously, a giant bag of pretzels can cost roughly $2... an individual sized one (which is probably one-fourth or one-fifth of the size of the larger bag typically costs $1. Its a rip off. Just buy the bigger package, and give yourself the serving size and no more. It took me a few years to get used to the process of only eating recommended serving sizes as opposed to a whole bag... and sometimes, I can slip up. But for the most part, just get the snack sized baggies or containers, and just fill it up with your snacks.


10- FIND OUT HOW TO CONTROL YOURSELF



Everyone is different... but you need to find out the best method that keeps you on top of your eating game. If stress makes you eat, then try and find ways to relax yourself before attacking that family sized bag of Doritos.

You could always do what my mom used to do when we were kids... she bought a container with a lock, and would only give us our "snacks" in the morning before school. Otherwise, during the day, we had no option...

If you're worried about your self control, make sure a friend, a sibling, a spouse, or a parent (ect) can monitor what you eat. Not aggressively, but so that you never have to hide what you eat or how much you eat. One thing that works for me, is if I buy candy (and I am ADDICTED TO CANDY) I will leave in the pantry for anyone to have access to it, just to make sure I don't eat the whole bag in one sitting. So, when the bag suddenly finishes, and someone says to me "where'd all the jelly bellies go?" I basically have the walk of shame and avoid eating the whole bag in a day or two. And because I love having "goals," I typically have a goal that if I have candy, I have to make the bag last a whole week... then I won't feel guilty. A twisted sense of logic, maybe.


Anyway, thats it... those are my suggestions...
Good luck.

thats what i want

the best things in life are free
but you can give them to the birds and bees
I want money
-- That's What I Want -- Written by Berry Gordy and Janie Bradford, 1959

So, lately people (friends and coworkers) have been asking me about my finances, in sum, how do I handle them?

It is an interesting question. I mean, look at me, I have been (until recently) single, living in my parents home (with sporadic living on campus for work/school), with not too many financial obligations, given that I have no dependents nor real responsibilities. Yet, for some reason, people always from all walks of life, ask me about handling finances as though I am some sort of expert.

So, I'll give you my top five hints and maybe a bit of explanation as well. This isn't really in a planned order, just whatever pops into my head in whatever order.

(1) Start Young

Its not really a hint... but it was part of my experience. The first allowance I had (mind you was like $20/month), my dad taught me to budget it. I think I was roughly 10 years old at the time, maybe even younger. Now, you may think, this is a heavy topic for a little kid, but its not. Really, it comes down to simple adding and subtracting. But what you learn is how to look at your wants and needs and plan for them both. Because trust me, 15 years later, you no longer plan, you just know.


(2) Differentiate between Wants and Needs

This is a major, major, major, major thing for me. In our commercialized society we are seriously condition to think we desperately need something, especially when it first comes out. For example, all those rushing to get the iphone 5... DESPERATELY NEED IT! But, really, YOU DON'T! You know that saying 'If it's not broke, don't fix it' -- well, personally I add a 'and don't replace it until unfixable' --- which is ironic since one of the cellphone ads this year is of all these people breaking and sabotaging their phones in order to buy a "better and newer" one. But the reality is "newer is not necessarily better".

So, basically, you need to learn: A need is something that is crucial to living during your day-to-day life. A want is anything else.

Think of it this way: You need food to live -- you want twizzlers because you want a sugar rush. --> You buy a bag of apples $1.99 --> you buy a pack of twizzlers $1.99 --> you end up buying a bag of apples anyway, because you're still hungry and your body still needs nutrition.

This doesn't mean cut out the wants from your life, but it means only consider a want after you have fulfilled your needs, put some money on the side for future needs (i.e. savings), and then revisit if you still want that thing.

(3) Use only what you have, not more and always less

One major detail that my close friends know about me is that I have never had a credit card. I don't believe in using imaginary money. EVER. I like to use only what I have. So, say for the month I have $20 dollars and I need to fill some gas, get a formal shirt to wear for a panel presentation, and pay my electricity bill. I know, random, but sometimes our needs are a bit random...

For most people this is what happens:

(A) Pay electricity bill
(B) Buy shirt on credit card
(C) Fill gas on credit card
(D) Hope to God that next month we can make the monthly payment for the credit card dues.
(E) If remaining money is about $10, buy lunch for that day since we've exhausted ourselves mentally for worrying about finances.

So, in my mind:

(A) Pay my electricity bill in full (say about $10)
(B) Fill enough gas to make it until my next paycheck and walk A LOT. If anywhere is within a 3 mile radius, I sure as heck walk there. --> which usually keeps my gas pretty much unused.
(C) Take one hour to shop for a shirt within the remain cash that I have left over, assuming its about $10. If I don't find anything in that 1 hour, I put that money in my savings and find a shirt that is suitable in my closet, my mom's closet, my sister's closet, and then I move on to friend's closets. And since the females in my family as well as most of my friends work as teachers or are professionals, I can come up with something. If someone ever wants to do the same, let them. Don't think twice.

--- One thing that is important to note is you NEED to save. Consider it part of your Needs and not a Want.


(4) Budget in categories with margins of error

There are things that can be grouped together, for me it usually looks like this:

Monthly bills - car payments, insurance, rent (or mortgage), electricity, water,phone, heat ect (these thing are typically fixed and to be expected)
Savings - MONEY THAT YOU DO NOT TOUCH, EVER! ONLY IN EXTREME EMERGENCIES!
Day-to-Day expenses - groceries, gas, etc (these things fluctuate based on need, aren't as fixed, so sometimes you can go over and others you can go under)
Leisurely - Fun with family and friends, maybe a gym membership (your wants) - things that you can do, but you will always have some sort of free or cheaper alternative --> i.e. going out for coffee, even though you can invite a friend over at home and brew them a cup, go jogging in your neighborhood, borrow a book from the library instead of buying it, etc.

Say your paycheck is $175 a month (I am using small amounts on purpose, but you can imagine it is 2 times that amount or even 10 times, but this is to keep it simple, so that if you are a high schooler wanting to handle finances or a doctor with 3 clinics). I would allocate to each category only what I can afford:

Monthly bills ($75) ---- ($70)
Savings ($25) ---- ($20)
Day-today expenses ($25) ---- ($22)
Leisurely ($10) ---- ($7)
TOTAL - $135 ----- ($119)

So, where are those last $40? They are your margin of error. We always have some sort of emergency or day-to-day payment we couldn't account for. This covers for that. If nothing comes up: roll it into your savings or if you want to be adventurous use it for some fun family outing. BUT ONLY after the whole month has passed and nothing came up.

Also, if you noticed, a second column there is a $16 difference. You should aim to use the lower end of your allocated funds. This is because, again, your payments won't always be a certain fixed amount, and if don't account for these things, then you may totally financially screw yourself over.

(5) Constantly, Constantly, Constantly be appreciative for what you have and NEVER EVER ask for more.

Its one thing to need help to meet your needs, I am not saying don't ask a family member or friend for some help to meet your basic needs. But what I am saying is, don't constantly strive to get the newer and better or more of something. You have a computer at home to do your work, you can't quite afford that laptop yet, then don't get it until you've actually saved enough cash to buy it... don't buy it on credit card.

The thing is, often times people have wants and needs that don't match up with other's wants and needs. I, personally, am a minimalist. I don't like having more than I ever need. But many people are not like that. Don't be ashamed, but don't throw yourself into an ocean of debt just to fulfill your wants.

Say, you've been buying a cup of coffee daily and your finances are being stretched thin, well start brewing it at home (assuming you already have it), and save yourself $1 a day. It may seem like nothing, but over time, that $1/day will be helpful, especially when you have $365 at the end of the year and decide to use it on buying a new laptop... and yes, you can actually buy really great laptops for under $400... that will last you about 3-4 years.

Okay I'm going to add a 6th, a 7th, and an 8th... but I'll try to be brief.

(6) Donate

Don't treat money like its easily dispensable. Treat it with care. I'm not asking you to be stingy. DONATE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DONATE something. No matter how tight you are with your cash, donate something, $1 a month, more, less, but something. Money isn't yours forever, it circulates and moves, so be part of that movement, but rather in a selfish way, move it in a selfless and loving way. You don't have to go broke donating money, but you have to give something...

(7) Be Humble

Now, I'm writing a post about finances... makes me feel like a mighty person... but reality is, I'm not. I don't know jack about life, so I'm sorry I wasted 20 minutes of your time while you read this post.

But, really, being humble doesn't mean putting yourself down, or dressing like you haven't showered in 2 months. Or never buying yourself that little pick-me-up. Being humble, for me, means two things:
1- Recognizing that this stuff is beyond yourself. You are just one person in millions. Or your money, is only yours temporarily. That ownership is in flux and the only thing we own are our actions. So, its not about the money, but our actions when dealing with money.

2- Treating everyone and everything as valuable. Abuse comes when things are treated as though they lack value. Just because we may not consider something valuable, doesn't mean another feels the same. For me, my most valuable possessions are really worthless in the eyes of others. They hold much sentimental value. But what I am trying to say is, people, money, things, the world, they all have value and they should be treated with care and respect, just as you would like to be treated with care and respect. Yes, so treat a cup of coffee, as you would like to be treated. That is what I am saying, appreciate it, savor it, love it, all while you drink it.

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Okay LASTLY,

(8) Just be thankful.

I know I said this repeatedly in different ways, but you can never understand how much gratitude and thankfulness plays a huge roll in your outlook on life and how to deal with finances. So, just be thankful.

You don't say...

We always talk about how our words can cause reactions around us. We may say something silly, it elicits a chuckle. Something stupid, it also, elicits a chuckle. We may say something with gut-wrenching seriousness, and it may cause the listener to become nervous, uncomfortable, and outright disturbed... and so on a so forth.

This post is, however, about what we don't say.

I am a person, who will respond if I feel the environment will not respond. First, I will take 10 seconds to wait for someone to say something.... and then I will speak. Especially while I am teaching.

An interesting thing occurred about a year ago, I even posted a status about it. A student, who happened to be Arab, made one of the most discriminatory statements I had ever heard in my life, about homosexuals. I was, at first, stunned into shocked silence. Then, after about 10 seconds, I had chastised the student and asked the class that if one was to express their opinion in class, they must do with so with respect. However, the tension in the classroom escalated to a point that I almost considered calling campus security. People argued with physical distress, hands pounding on the table. I even had 3 students who were on sports teams, volunteer to stay in the room until tensions reduced. Within 10 minutes, the topic at hand was resolved and the class resumed.

However, one thing occurred. During those 10 minutes, a student slipped out of the classroom out of anger and frustration. The student returned after 10-15 minutes, until they cooled off, but never returned to future classes. Immediately after class, I spoke to the student who made the statement, and discussed the need to be culturally sensitive as well as understand that there is no one way to live one's life. People live the way they choose, and we must be tolerant regardless of our personal biases. This student gave me trouble the rest of the semester, in terms of respecting the rights of others, not only in terms of sexuality, but class, race and religion (including my own).

The other student, who I had known was openly gay, had asked with polite frustration in his voice, that we be more respectful when we discuss such issues in the future. Before, I could speak with them in person, they left classroom. So, I followed up with an email, apologizing for my inability to adequately handle the situation. Despite the fact that I had handled it to the best of my abilities.

Later that day, I had spoke to my advisor on how to handle such situations, and my advisor had stated that the way I handled it was the most efficient. Who knows, you never really know, until the situation arises.

This occurred about a year ago, yesterday my student (the one who left my class to never return), emailed me in a very impersonal email. They stated that they had dropped out of school because of my lack of immediate response. I will do everything in my power to get this student back and active in school again. However, a lesson must be learned for anyone who is reading this.

I'd like to point out, some people take time to respond to things, I am one of those people. But what you don't say, can seem like the worst kind of indictment to another. Silence is equally as painful as an insult, especially when misunderstood. I wish wish wish, I had instantaneously spoken, but 10 seconds can sometimes feel like 10 years for a person. Those 10 seconds of silence, felt like half of a second for me, but felt like a decade for my student.

I have learned that when in a position of authority, you must MUST MUST, respond immediately, with care and wisdom. 10 seconds can completely turn into a year for someone, and they may lose many opportunities along that time frame.

My student emailed me yesterday, I cried. I could not believe that my belated response could have taken such a toll. That event, until this day, has been a story I had openly shared with many of my co-workers and friends, because of how fast everything transpired. I always tell them, you need to try and dismantle escalating tensions as quickly as possible. I use this incident to explain how bigotry, biases and ignorance are detrimental to the stability of humanity. I have recalled this story maybe 20 to 30 times to people, so that I can share my experiences on how to handle high-stress situations in the classroom.

But, losing one student, a sincere and honest student, that is the biggest heartbreak of my life.

I wish I could turn back time, to that morning in the first couple of weeks of class, and just harshly chastise that student who made the comment. But at the time, I wanted to ensure that my students could openly express themselves, while maintaining respect. So, I sought to respond respectfully, while chastising. Maybe I should have been harsher.... I don't know. All I know is things unfold the way they do.

But now... I have learned that silence... is equally as dangerous as words, especially when silence is misinterpreted.

Pray for me.

Teaching vs. Research

If you have met me before, you'd know that I love teaching... with every fiber of my being. Co-workers in my department usually give me an odd look when I make such statements. Professors and advisors tell me that I need to have a healthy balance of both research and teaching. Well, I will discuss a brief comparison.
Warning: Humor may or may not be involved...

(1)

While teaching you may develop a "hero complex" in which you take command and lead the class into a victorious and glorious discussion. Where as in research, well you just stare at the hole in the wall in which you work, bouncing ideas off said walls, and then realize... if walls could speak, they'd tell you, "you are nuts."

(2)
While teaching, you interact with human beings... young, old, male, female and all those dichotomies in between. Working with so many different types of people is a humbling experience. You discover yourself through others. You learn how to deal with different types of people. You essentially realize that you are just one more piece in a wonderful puzzle. In research, you interact (depending on the field) with old books that might as well be called tombs, because they are so dusty that you may need an inhaler after opening them. Furthermore, you develop attachment to the aforementioned books, that may or may not be older than your grandmother, that you start to treat them like a human being... cajoling them into compliance, telling them to share their secrets, whispering sweet nothings into their ears....er... I mean.... binding...

Am I starting to worry you?

(3)
While teaching, you discover a piece of information and share it with the classroom... reflect on what it means, and come out with a healthy a viable research project... yes, teaching gets you to work on your research... In research, you discover a piece of information, horde it to yourself, and treat it like it is your last meal... ensuring that not one atom slips out of your grasp out of a sense of fear and paranoia that someone may or may not steal your ideas....

(4)
While teaching, you live life above ground. In research, you live like a rat, scurrying back to its hole in the wall. I'm starting to think of that story we read in Lit class back in my undergrad days "Yellow Wallpaper". o.O

(5)
While teaching, you eat normal food... In research, you also eat normal food.... GOT YOU THERE!! ----> PLUG IN! --> Never let your food, sleep, and exercise habits suffer!!

(6)
Teaching --- the most challenging job on the planet, but the most fulfilling job on the planet... Research --- the other most challenging job on the planet, but the least fulfilling job on the planet, unless you get some sort of International Academic Award like a Nobel Prize.... Can you buy one off ebay?

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Okay, I'll stop there. Six, that is enough. Have I mentioned that research is torture for people like me... You turn from alive, vivacious human being --> into a croaking, old machine that needs some oiling. o.O

Good luck Academics and research fellows...

Blessed

"So which of the favors of your Lord would you deny?" (55: Repeated Verse)


Nothing really out of the ordinary has happened... but over all, I've been feeling so blessed and content with life I just couldn't help recall some verses from the Quran that discuss recognizing blessings/favors.

Another:

“[...] and if you should count the blessings of God, you could not enumerate them,” (14:34).


There is something about attempting to count your blessings. It is true... it is absolutely impossible to count them all. Sure, we can be like "Thank God for my sight, my hearing, my ability to move, my ability to communicate....ect" but will we be able to list them all? I don't think so. I think about the incidents that may seem horrible on the spot, but turn out to be a huge blessing later on.

For example, one time my friends and I (yes, you know who you are) went on a road trip... we drove for about 30-45 minutes in the wrong direction... when we finally realized, we started heading the right direction and found a massive accident. One, that without a doubt, would have killed at least one of us (god forbid). But at the time, not of us were bothered by the delay, we kind of just laughed it off, like "silly girls," but it was a serious blessing, because it really protected us from a harm that we could not account for.

Now, I think about all those times where something didn't quite go the way that I wanted it to, could those have been blessings in disguise? Maybe, I don't know.


This post is not about religion or blessings in a scriptural sense, although I do cite some religious scripture. It is about contentment.

Contentment is not about being passive about what one has. Rather, it is recognizing what you have in life and making progress based on those things. Rather than desperately wanting something that you realistically cannot have (maybe at that moment in time), which allows resentment, discontent and anger to fester within you.

The thing about "counting your blessings" is that you are forced to have a paradigm shift, one that makes you think optimistically, positively, and realistically. You do not have to be blinded from reality to be happy or content with life. You just need to understand how "things work for you".

We all have things that please or displease us. Do we focus on the displeasure of life, constant fixation on the negative? I have witnessed so many people figuratively screw themselves over, when they stress on the negative. They set themselves up for failure, psyche themselves out, and create this cycle of discontent.

I have been told that I am annoying, bubbly, too optimistic, too perky, too happy, but honestly, I am not. I have challenges, difficulties, stresses and so forth, just like anyone else. However, I was taught by my father, as the saying go "honey catches more flies than vinegar". My dad used to always tell me, "You are, for the most part, what people perceive of you". He also used to tell me to "turn every challenge/difficulty into an advantage/opportunity" even when they are flaws in myself or character. For example, I have a sucky memory, REALLY BAD, but that forced me to look at that aspect of my life and become very organized in terms of time. I rarely am late anywhere or unprepared for work. That is because I forced myself to organize my schedule, my tasks, and my life in a way that forces me to confront my forgetfulness, not use it as a hinderance. I use stickies, reminders, to-do lists, I engage all of my senses in this process of remembrance. I even tell stories to myself, in order to remember facts and details.

So, if you think I'm too optimistic... then I'm sorry, I don't give a snap, crackle or pop. Not my problem, it is yours. You find a way to turn your pessimism into an opportunity. My emotional outlet is writing... poetry, blogs, short stories, and the like. Find yours. It may be, as one of my friends recently discovered, through the guitar and music.

One simple tactic that was recommended about a year or two ago was starting a gratitude journal. Every night, at the end of the day (and trust me, you won't be consistent every night... sometimes you'll just fall asleep for 2 weeks), write something you are grateful for. Sometimes, you'll be feeling the typical, "I love my friends and family," sometimes it'll be a particular incident, others you may appreciate something you discovered about yourself or someone close to you.

To finish, I'll end with something that I didn't expect... I woke up at 2am... and it took me a while to fall back asleep... then by the time I woke up again at 4am... I had a series of nightmares, one bleeding into the next. The details will not be provided, because in my religious tradition we are not supposed to divulge about our nightmares. So, basically, I woke up at 4am. I recited some supplications for the morning, I prayed a few cycles of prayer, I did tons of yoga stretches, and then I sat down to do some work...

Close to 2 hours later, I got all the work I needed to get done ---- Done. Now, I can start to tackle other items that were straggling along on my old to-do lists that I haven't had the opportunity to attack with fervor. It is only 5:45am, this is why reality is always better than dreams.

Good Morning.

10 things you suffer from

I will just be jumping right in... No introduction, just this post...

10 Things You Will Suffer From Having Fallen In Love:

1) You get no work done... trust me... None, none what so ever. You start something, stare at it for like an hour, blush at something your loved one said... and then try and get back to work, realizing that 2 hours had passed since you first sat down to work.

2) You will be relentlessly teased. Not only by your loved one, if he/she is the teasing type.... but by your friends and family. Soon, you will walk around in a constant state of embarrassment... If one more person says something teasing towards you, you may or may not be responsible for throwing them in a lake...

3) You do not have enough clothes. At least if you are me. Suddenly, you realize, OH SNAP, I am a SCRUB. And you desperately try to look good for this one person in your life... when before, it didn't matter how much you loved your friends or family, you could persist to be a walking mismatch with them.

4) You may constantly start gasping for air. Yes, they were right... that stereotype, of being unable to breath. Its true. When Maroon 5 sang "Its getting Harder and Harder to breath" --> It does. Why, I don't know. All you know is that you have a flood of emotions wash over you, and you're drowning in it blissfully.

5) You can no longer turn to certain friends for advice. Yes, this may sound harsh. But it is without connotation, neither positive nor negative. It is a matter of fact. You suddenly realize that there are friends you can ask certain questions and others you cannot. Some who will sympathize with your worries, and some who will completely disregard your concerns. Some who will give you what you want to hear, and others who will give you what you need to hear. And there is no one person who can give you all those answers.

6) You do indeed... lose your appetite. My friends and I have discussed the scientific implications of this concept... But in short... expect, at least in the beginning stages to drop quite a bit of weight. For someone like me who has, quite frankly, a hefty appetite, well apparently with certain emotions I lose all ability to eat. In the last few weeks... I have dropped a total of 15 pounds... unhealthy, right? At least, I still hit the gym. Thats the good news... I don't want to be reduced to an empty sack of bones.... o.O

7) Your time is no longer your own. This is particular for serious relationships, at least, I am assuming so. A friend of mine told me this a couple of years ago, that the biggest change when she got married was that her time was no longer hers, alone. And I feel that 100%. No one has to tell you I want to see you at a certain time or be home at..., maybe it is just among women, maybe its both men and women... but when you are out and about without your loved one, you want to come back to them at the end of the day. You feel worried if you stay out too late without seeing them. I mean, really, 3 weeks ago, I would have come home at midnight and thought, well I hope mama and baba don't mind that I came home so late, enh its all good. But now its more of a, I need to be home! I need to be home! I need to be home! Just so I can make that one phone call!

8)Jealousy, in a good way, takes a hold of you. I can come off as not the most expressive person. Actually, people have told me "You are cold!" but that is because I am OVERLY expressive. I have learned from a young age to really really really control my emotions in public. So, you can pretty much say anything to me, and you may or may not see any change in my body language. So, when it comes to jealousy, I don't know what to think... since, well, I am discovering that it hurts. I am jealous of a cell phone, a water bottle, a car... not people, but things. God save us all. I pray my sanity is maintained. X_x

9) Internal dialogue. Okay, honestly though, I did this before. But now, its 10 times more frequent. I will undergo debates in my head, full on conversations involving said loved one. Throwing around emotions, hesitations, excitement, love, frustration, wants, needs, concerns, all of the above. Am I starting to sound crazy...? Now, I think I know why people say that love makes you crazy.

10) You discover something new every moment of interaction. You learn more about yourself than you do of your loved one.... So, then you start to feel jealous towards yourself, since you aren't learning enough about your loved one in comparison! Okay, that was a joke... maybe ;). Anyway, every moment is a new discovery. It could be tentative or full-blown epiphany. It could be a minute detail or a paradigm shift. My friends and family members who have been married for quite a while have repeatedly assured me that this continues to happen, up until the day you die. Not in as much frequency, per se. But you will continuously discover something new about you, your loved one, and the world we live in. I can't wait for 50 years from now (inshaAllah!/God Willing!) when I discover something I didn't know, despite knowing the person for half a century. That would be mind-blowing. At least for me. ^___^

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Okay, that is my list of 10.... I could go on forever and ever. But I will control myself. A few people have asked me, When are you going to write a 'love poem'? Expecting that I would have, as a poet, pulled out a paper and a pen to record these emotions. I don't know when that poem will emerge, it may one day, it may never. So, all I have to offer to the world is this.

Enjoy it.

Peace.

Just for Niqabs and Giggles

This is a few days late. But I have been thinking about how I wanted to share this story, without feeling weird about it. It is not a bad story, good story, or neutral story. It is, for the most part, just a daily part of my existence.

So, I'll jump right in.

I was at the library checking out this giant stack of books for research. Until I turned around a saw a friend. She (if happens to be reading this) will remain unnamed, because I prefer a level of discretion in my online life.

This friend happens to be a niqabi (she wears the face veil, but her eyes are exposed). I happen to be a hijabi (I wear a head covering, but my whole face is exposed). She called my name, I turned around and we greeted each other. Simple, right? I mean, one would assume so.

Anyway, I turned back to the librarian to say thank you and walk away. But she said "How do you guys even recognize each other?". My friend's facial expression was "did she just ask that?" But it wasn't a loaded with anger or frustration, but patient complacency. It was an inquisitive look, asking me silently, "reem, do you answer or do i?". Now, you may be wondering, How in the heck are these two girls communicating through facial expressions, when one of their faces is covered. And the answer is simple, its all in the body language. And that is exactly the answer I gave the librarian.

I said, with one of my GIANT grins, "Oh, its the body language. and of course our sense of clothing, we're friends so you get used to seeing how the other moves or carries themselves." Now, this isn't an exact quote, but overall, what was being said.

That was it. Encounter over. My friend left, I left, the librarian stayed to work.

So, why blog about this? I will have to use on of my infamous lists....

1) The librarian had no clue. I respect her question, she was curious. And Curiosity is a good feeling. I think that this woman probably thought this before, but never really said anything. I mean, there are tons of niqabis who roam campus, who check out books, who have conversations. I would like to think, it is because my friend's eyes were welcoming.

2) Niqabis have it even worse in America than hijabis. I always talk about how hijabis are completely misunderstood. Well Niqabis are 10x more. I remember once I gave this random monologue at an event regarding muslim women 4-5 years ago, about how Niqabis should be more vocal and in the public sphere. I know some of the brightest minds behind those niqabs, and I hate to think that they are written off because of a measly stereotype. This particular friend is one of the smartest, hard working, people I know. And people always remember her from classes, not because of the way she looks, but because of her voice, that holds conviction. I've talked to people who have taken classes with her, and they'll ask me, "Reem, do you know so and so" (because, yes every muslim knows every other muslim), and in this instance I do! They'll describe her words and voice and I know, right away that it is my friend, because she speaks her mind unapologetically.

3)Its all in the body language. You don't need to hear people say something, to understand them. Maybe, I could have made a mistake and thought she was someone else. Maybe, our non-verbal communication was wrong, and I projected onto her emotions that she may not necessarily have had. But, what I am trying to say is, body language makes a difference. We live in a day and age when our faces are glued to our laptops and phones. We read conversations a lot more than verbally express them. In fact, we watch people online at insane amounts of frequency. But there is something to said about non-verbal communication. It can tell you years and years of information by just one glance. A person's tone (and yes, now I am lumping tone with the non-verbal because it is not the actual words but the sound of the words) can completely give away a person's thought processes, principles in life, and general outlook on the world. I think we need to study cues of non-verbal communication of our loved ones.

4) Remember that you may be TOTALLY WRONG! Say, what?!?!! I'm wrong?!?! huh?! Yes, wrong. This is about #3, which I kind of alluded to, but didn't really unpack. So, now I am unpacking. Everyone has a unique body language that is completely different based on their individual personalities, their family norms, their culture and society, and contemporary world trends. Yes, all four of these things. For the most part, we pick up on the latter two, because they are easier to figure out. If someone frowns, usually in means they are displeased with something. If someone laughs, they find something funny, ect. But different people, do different things. I'll give you two scenarios from my personal life.

A) One time, I was being interviewed for something and the interviewer was sitting directly across from me. He asked me questions, he jotted down answers. But he also, because I could read his notepad from my position, in which he noted, does not make eye contact. I'll have to say that as an American, not making eye contact is the biggest faux pas a person could entertain in social life. But in Arab culture, it is totally normal to look away. So, for me based on cultural cues (of my culture within a culture), I tend to make 100% eye contact when someone is speaking to me. When I speak, I make limited eye contact, lets say an average percentage of 20. So, for him as an interviewer he barely spoke, which would mean that I made very little eye contact.

B) Another time, I was being interviewed by a classmate for our oral history class. We were sitting in my office, which is comfortable. I was sitting on my chair, with my knees folded to my chest, talking freely. For him, I was nervous. For me, I was comfortable. Actually, I noticed all my maternal aunts sit like this, and a few of my cousins as well. But anyway, at that moment, when I realized --- wow, he thinks I am nervous, I explained to him that this is just how I sit. Then, he realized later on... its true. She sits in class, this same way, everyday. HEY!!! DON'T JUDGE ME!! I LIKE TO BE COMFORTABLE IN CLASS!

--- what are these stories saying? That sometimes the dominant cultural and social trends don't apply for individuals. They may do something different, you need to be able to recognize those nuances.




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So let me wrap up, because this post is getting quite lengthy. Embrace life, be curious, ask questions, read people, but don't make assumptions. Plus, she some verbal love, or at least a smile with the niqabis in your area. They are truly misunderstood in American society.

peace.