If I could do something over

I am not a proponent of the mental exercise "If you could do something over, what would it be..." because that change or wish for change, would have never come to fruition, your current level of consciousness would have never emerged, had you not lived life the way you lived it. I'm all for change, but it has to be grounded in the present.

This question has come up quite a few times recently. And I could never come up with an answer that I found worthy of a traveling through space and time for a life change.

However, today, well, last night, I think I found my answer. The change that I would have, would be a non-changer. I wish that I didn't drift apart from certain people from such a young age.

I think back of some individuals when we were kids. They were loving, self-less, creative, passionate, playful, innocent, and above all, kind. Somehow, over the years, maybe because my parents started to pray at a different mosque, or we lived in a different town, I just didn't get to see these individuals anymore, and we drifted.

I think about them now, not with a romanticized idealism, but with the memory of an elementary school child. They never were hurtful, always positive, they sought fun in everything they did, and always hoped for the best for everyone. We grew apart and for a few of my middle school years, and my new friends were not the same. I remember too many incidents of petty selfishness, preferentialism, and out-right mocking/bullying in ways that can destroy a person. Then, I got to late middle-school and early high school, and my relationships changed slightly. But the bullying, the mocking, the picking on each other was couched in love, friendship, and "fun". I didn't realize it at the time, but I hated it.

It has never been part of who I am as a person to mock or tease someone, even in the name of fun or "just joking". I have gotten to the point that as an adult, its extremely difficult for me to take a joke. Not that I am a super serious person... I'm silly as puddy... but in that same, childish, elementary school way... Not the average mid-twenties form of humor.

Anyway, the purpose of my post is this: I know I can't go back and "undrift" from people.... but I will make some changes (or unchanges?) in real time.

1- I will seek out friends who are positive, even in their humor.

2- I will stop trying to tease people, since obviously, I can't do it "right" and I'm sick of being pressured to do it just in the name of "getting along" with people my age group.

3- When people (i.e. close people) tease me, I will tell myself... this is their love language... and walk away. I will not think about it beyond the time it takes for the words to escape their lips.

4- I will not dwell on any negativity. I used to be an extremely positive person, where doubts would be banished with a bat of an eye. I miss that part of me, who was instrumental in who I am now today. I don't think I would have gotten so far in life, had I been a negative person. But over the last few years, cynicism has taken a hold of me and refuses to allow me to progress or enjoy my progress.

5- Reward myself. I know, selfish. But it was a habit I always used to have. I would reward myself with small things. A nice cup of coffee. A hug from a person that I love. A long, long, long solitary walk. An intense work out. A nice book to read from the library. An extra hangout with friends. I know happiness doesn't come from "things" but I do believe it comes from an appreciation of what you have. Therefore....

6- Consider all that I have, express gratitude and appreciation, and be content.

I'm going to stop here. I could probably go on for another 6 years of typing... 

"Ma'am (insert insult here)"

It has been a while since someone said anything to me regarding my faith or ethnicity in a manner that was insulting. I mean, maybe even years. Despite the media attention on people of my faith tradition, individuals, neighbors, co-workers, and so forth have been more than silent. I mean, yes, occasionally people ask me honest questions, including my students. They ask me questions about stereotypes. They even perpetuate stereotypes in my presence, but they are being honest, sincere, and curious.

It has been a while that a random stranger has just approached me with a verbal insult.

The odd thing is, today I was talking to my friends about how this used to happen to me all the time, but at the back of my mind I was thinking, I am so happy it hasn't happened recently....

But, anyhow...

I was on my walk around the neighborhood. Usually, I pass at least 10 people while walking the 3 mile jaunt, but this time I only passed two "groups". One a group of teenage boys and the next a couple of teenage girls. I am used to saying hello, nodding my head, smiling at people as I pass by and today was no different. But I have learned that over time, teenagers are unlikely to respond to even a head nod, so I just smiled in their direction and that was it.

I didn't even realize that this teenage boy was speaking to me, I wasn't even thinking about them... but after half a second passed I processed "Ma'am... do you...." and the rest was overshadowed by some laughter from the other boys. So, apparently he insulted me in some way. I wouldn't have even noticed if one of the boys hadn't turned to me with a mixture of pity and sympathy in his eyes and said "I'm sorry about my friends."

This all happened in a matter of seconds, no one paused their step, no one stopped talking in the group, all of it happened as though it was an everyday occurrence.

So, why am I blogging about this?

I realized two things today:

1) I have officially gotten over it. 

I don't know if I have become desensitized or I just don't care what people think... but today was the first time I just moved on without commenting nor the urge to comment. I just continued smiling, nodded my head, and said "take care". For about 12 years of my life, I would get so frustrated and angry that I was mocked, belittled, or mistreated... I would write poetry, paint, or completely dismantle the person intellectually through use of a more than verbose statement with my grad school talk... But today, it was different. All I wanted to do was pat these boys on the head and be like, good luck in life.

2) I don't need to defend anything about myself. 

I always had this feeling that I needed to defend myself or my religion against these statements. But honestly, there is no point. I used to say things like "If you're so American, name the first 10 presidents of the U.S. consecutively..." or "name at least 20 states in the United States...." or "you better not register for my American government class, because I may teach you a thing or two about what it means to be American..." and so on....

But now, I no longer feel like I need to justify my Americanness. I don't need to prove it any more or any less than anyone else. I don't need to down play my "Arabness" despite the fact that most people (who have sincerely met me) don't think "ARAB" when they meet me...

I don't feel like I need to defend my identity to anyone.... not to those who attempt to discredit me nor to those who try to force me into an identity label. I just am...

The title of my blog has been "Just Be..." for a really long time. But today, I felt like it was me "just being" and, for lack of a better word, screw anyone who tried to tell me any differently.

So, a message to any people who may be reading this....

Get over it... whether it is because you are the one insulting or the one receiving the insult... just get over it... people will say things or do things... and by dwelling on it, you hinder yourself from any potential movement... just smile, nod, move on and live life to the best of your ability. Because in the end, we're all just trying to live life.... right? 

Faith.

I have been thinking about the nuances of faith. Usually, we assume that we can only learn about our faith from those who share the same faith. Often times, Muslims seem to only find Muslims scholars are the legitimate teachers of faith. However, I disagree. To teach about faith is something completely different than teaching about religious tradition. Even so, I still think you can learn about your religion from, what I will loosely use as, "people of other faith (or no faith) traditions". 

Today, when visiting my doctor, she reminded me to focus on my faith and reflection. She told me to pray and meditate. To constantly remember God. She told me to make it a daily habit. The thing is, she is Hindu and I am Muslim. You would assume that I wouldn't seek spiritual advice from a doctor, let alone someone from another faith tradition. Yet, that was the best spiritual and practical advice I had received all week. 

Throughout my graduate career, my advisor has always reminded me to turn back to my spiritual roots. To look at my faith, both with a loving and a critical eye. He would remind me to visit my mosque, to pray, to seek spiritual guidance, and constantly seek God's help at times in need. He taught me to balance the secularity and the critical thinking of academic life, while always striving to fulfill my spiritual life. Needless to say, we share different faith traditions as well. 

One of the best spiritual experiences that I have encountered, was visiting a Sikh temple during their weekly service. The entire time, I had no idea about what was being chanted, but I kept reflecting upon God and the blessing I have been offered. The whole time, despite my prayer being different, despite the mantra on my tongue, heart, mind, and soul being in another language, I felt the goosebumps that you get during a spiritual high. 

There are two narratives in Islamic tradition that I, over time, fell in love with. One is a prayer (a dua'a/supplication) another is a story from prophetic tradition. 

I'll start with the story. Totally paraphrased, by the by. 

A companion of the prophet named Abu Huraira used to live in the mosque, and one day a man came and began to steal from donations (I believe it was food). Abu Huraira caught him and the man claimed to be needy. When he shared the story to the prophet, the prophet told him, this man was lying to you. The man ended up returning for three consecutive nights, making the same claim. On the third night, he told Abu Huraira, "if I teach you something will you let me go" and Abu Huraira said sure. So, he taught him to recite a famous verse called "ayatul kursi" stating that if one read it before bed God would appoint guards for you that will ensure that Satan would not be able to come near you until the morning. Then Abu Huraira asked the prophet if this was true, and the prophet said yes, and the one who taught you this, was Satan himself. 

For me, this story always reflects that we can learn from anyone. We just have to be willing to take in the information being shared. Of course, I am not saying that people from other faith traditions are like satan, HECK NO, but what I am saying is that you should limit yourself to who you can learn from spiritually. I could write a book on this hadith/narration, but I am going to keep it concise. I always remember this story, whenever talking to people I really don't want to be around. I used to be around people who I would think, "why are they still talking", harsh, I know. But now, I think, "listen attentively Reem, you may learn something new. If not something new, a different angle or perspective". And since then, I feel like I could listen to any one talk. I learn things from 3 year olds, 30 year olds, and ancient books. You just have to be willing to keep your mind open. 

The other narration is a prayer/supplication. It comes from a verse in the Quran, which just says "those who listen to speech and follow the best of it" (39:18). People often turn it into a prayer by saying, "May God make me from those who listen to speech and follow the best of it". In this case, I never limit what is meant by "speech". I take it to mean all types of speaking, from all types of people. And I take whatever resonates with me and adopt it into my own personal frame of reference. 

I have read so much philosophy in my lifetime, which albiet has been pretty short, a mere 25 years. But so many people have asked me, "Reem, how have you studied so much philosophy without abandoning your faith?" assuming that philosophy and faith are paradoxical or oxymoronic or incompatible. Actually, that is not true. Many early philosophers wrote their philosophies parallel to their faith beliefs and traditions. Even Socrates, a man who epitomizes the concept of logic, wrote parallel to the religious tradition of his time, despite the fact that he was put on trial for introducing new gods into Athens and corrupting the youth. Thomas Hobbes did the same, as did many philosophers. So, have we become so post-post-modern that religion and philosophy are no longer compatible? 

Anyway, to answer that question.... I have studied philosophy and have adopted many philosophers theories into my own consciousness, not as a replacement of my spiritual and faith beliefs, but that coincide with them. Despite the fact that Karl Marx said that "religion was the oppiate of the masses," I think that much of Marx's theories are intriguing. Despite the fact that Frederich Nietzsche said that "god is dead" and many many many other problematic statements, I have found his writings to be stimulating in a way that helps me deeper understand my own perspective of the world. 

I guess what I am saying is this. I am sick of people being on their high horse, pointing fingers, and delegitimizing everyone else's beliefs. I think the beauty of what I've learned in my faith tradition, is that one must always keep an open mind, to understand their faith the best they can, and to learn from people from all different walks of life. I feel that to turn down a piece of knowledge, on the basis of a source, is an extreme form of arrogance. I am not saying that one should blindly follow someone or everyone or no one at all. But that they should stick to their instincts and try to seek out truth and spirituality where ever it may stem from. I have encountered so many people and more often than not, rather than be deterred from my faith, my spiritual beliefs have been cemented even more. 

Maybe, I have been blessed with people who have always supported me in seeking out my faith and what it means to me. But I pray, that anyone who may encounter me, feels that same vibe from me. That they can be truly expressive of their faith, despite the differences in our religious backgrounds. That we can come together striving for something great, rather than fighting over the nuances of differences. 

I dunno what made me go on this long discussion. Maybe it was my encounter with my doctor. She brought tears to my eyes, gave me a sense of hope, and the minute I got home, I began praying. And I pray that all people find whatever it is they are looking for. 

Peace.

-reem

Eating...

Good Morning!

Again, its been a while since my last blog post... but I've been wanting to post about eating healthy because, although we all have those horrible "binge" moments, for the most part, as a society we're learning to eat less and less healthy and more and more junk.

I am not an expert. But for all of those people who have commented to me "how do you always have something healthy to eat" this is how.

1- ALWAYS COME PREPARED.




Whenever I know I have to be somewhere for more than an hour (and this includes driving time), I pre-pack some snacks. Usually, I over-pack just in case. But I typically have at least one type of fruit, one type of vegetable, and one bag of pretzels/air popped pop-corn/wheat thins. If I know I'll be gone the whole day (which typically means I'll be too sleepy for dinner when I get home), then I'll add a home-made sandwich or salad (with some bread), an extra fruit, and extra veggie, and depending on my mood maybe some extra pretzels.


2- ALWAYS HAVE FRESH FRUIT AND VEGGIES IN THE FRIDGE.




I realize that when I start to get those "binge" cravings for something not quite healthy its usually after the fridge only has run out of fruit options... and all that is left is a rotting apple, orange, and a grapefruit from three weeks ago that doesn't seem safe to eat. And I'm talking about fruits, not veggies so much. Maybe fruits fulfill any sugar cravings because of the fructose, but if there are yummy fresh fruits as an option, I rarely want junk.



3- Pre-cut veggies and have some dip.



Sometimes, I want to snack on something but I'm too lazy to prep it. I don't buy baby carrots, but cut my own carrot sticks. I don't buy pre-sliced mushrooms, or chopped broccoli. On the whole, I believe and I may be wrong, that pre-cut veggies tend to go bad faster. Plus, they taste better, at least to me, when I cut them myself. Anyhow.... Sometimes, I know I'm in a snacking mood (like today!) and in an hour or so, I'm going to want to attack the fridge, but am too lazy to do so. So, I'll just cut up enough veggies for two days worth of snacking, seal it in some Tupperware, and then pull it out when I'm ready to attack.

4- Always have a water bottle.



I think we tend to know this by now.... but always have a water bottle (or if you're at home, a tall glass) at hand. I am always drinking water, and I'm not going to list all of the benefits of drinking water, but overall, water makes me feel better. Energized, light, and more conscious of my food intake. Here is a WEBMD's 6 Reasons to drink more water.

5- Friends (lol, and family) make a difference...



If you eat junk with your friends, you're eating junk. If you eat healthy, you eat healthy. I'm not saying that you should never go out for dessert (I mean those cupcakes yesterday were great!). Overall, though, every time you hang out shouldn't be for junk. For example, whenever I visit of friend of mine, she always offers water/juice/tea and popcorn. So, I never regret going to her place (yes, I know you know who you are ^____^). Then there are some friends who just encourage not as healthy eating habits, (that may be me I'm talking about!) where you're always eating candy and more candy and more candy when you're together. For example, because I usually eat healthy during the weekdays, when people come over or we go out, I want to just loosen up a little. However, if you have these types of sessions multiple times a week, you've just splurged on junk 4/7 days... and you've entered into a cycle of need. Once you get junk into your system at large doses, you literally need to detox it to get it out... I guess in this case, just be upfront with your friends and family and be like "do you have anything healthier?" or if you don't want to sound rude by implying that their food isn't healthy, you can just ask for some fresh fruit/veggies.

6- We pick up habits... and quirks




Okay. So, sometimes I used to get so sad that my parents NEVER let us eat junk as a kid. So, we'd sneak behind their backs just to eat some junk food. This turned into a cycle of binge eating. So, maybe for some parents, find alternatives to "NO!". But, this is about something else. My dad used to walk into the kitchen, open the fridge, and grab a head of lettuce. He literally would just eat lettuce like it was a bag of chips. Now, you may think that is weird, you may never have seen someone do that before, but I can tell you, that seeing that happen as a kid, makes me crave lettuce every once in a while. I will do the same, I'll go into the fridge and grab some lettuce. This also happened with yogurt (homemade), grapefruits (which both seem a bit more normal), and carrots. So, I'm guessing that kids, to some extent, pick up their parents habits. Hopefully, your parents were pretty healthy, so you picked up some good eating/cooking habits. But if not, maybe start a new cycle with your kids.

7- Exercise is a deterrent for junk.



Well, one it depends on what you consider "junk," but I typically will avoid foods that make me feel extremely lethargic, "food-coma" "itis" inducing, situations. So, usually fried (and breaded) food isn't an option for me. This is because exercise is a central part of my life... I use it to reduce stress, to get rid of migraines, and to just feel good about myself. Without exercise, I literally can't function. On top of that, no exercise + junk makes me feel like a zombie, rotting on the ground, too lazy to function....

8- Make your own stuff

When I first lived on my own, I used to buy frozen meals, frozen dough, anything that was just easier to make. The problem with that is you are never really conscious of what your food contains. For example, biscuits. When you buy them, you just think, "oh dough".... but when you make them at home and you scoop tons and tons of butter and flower into the mixture, you start to recognize the reasons why you should exceed the recommended serving size. On the other hand, pre-packaged meals really taught me to portion my meals more effectively. So now, although I don't really buy pre-packaged meals, I am a lot better at portioning my homemade meals into healthy servings.

9- Buy the big packages, serve in smaller ones.



Its a rip off buying things that are packages in "100 calorie bags".... or in individual servings. Seriously, a giant bag of pretzels can cost roughly $2... an individual sized one (which is probably one-fourth or one-fifth of the size of the larger bag typically costs $1. Its a rip off. Just buy the bigger package, and give yourself the serving size and no more. It took me a few years to get used to the process of only eating recommended serving sizes as opposed to a whole bag... and sometimes, I can slip up. But for the most part, just get the snack sized baggies or containers, and just fill it up with your snacks.


10- FIND OUT HOW TO CONTROL YOURSELF



Everyone is different... but you need to find out the best method that keeps you on top of your eating game. If stress makes you eat, then try and find ways to relax yourself before attacking that family sized bag of Doritos.

You could always do what my mom used to do when we were kids... she bought a container with a lock, and would only give us our "snacks" in the morning before school. Otherwise, during the day, we had no option...

If you're worried about your self control, make sure a friend, a sibling, a spouse, or a parent (ect) can monitor what you eat. Not aggressively, but so that you never have to hide what you eat or how much you eat. One thing that works for me, is if I buy candy (and I am ADDICTED TO CANDY) I will leave in the pantry for anyone to have access to it, just to make sure I don't eat the whole bag in one sitting. So, when the bag suddenly finishes, and someone says to me "where'd all the jelly bellies go?" I basically have the walk of shame and avoid eating the whole bag in a day or two. And because I love having "goals," I typically have a goal that if I have candy, I have to make the bag last a whole week... then I won't feel guilty. A twisted sense of logic, maybe.


Anyway, thats it... those are my suggestions...
Good luck.

thats what i want

the best things in life are free
but you can give them to the birds and bees
I want money
-- That's What I Want -- Written by Berry Gordy and Janie Bradford, 1959

So, lately people (friends and coworkers) have been asking me about my finances, in sum, how do I handle them?

It is an interesting question. I mean, look at me, I have been (until recently) single, living in my parents home (with sporadic living on campus for work/school), with not too many financial obligations, given that I have no dependents nor real responsibilities. Yet, for some reason, people always from all walks of life, ask me about handling finances as though I am some sort of expert.

So, I'll give you my top five hints and maybe a bit of explanation as well. This isn't really in a planned order, just whatever pops into my head in whatever order.

(1) Start Young

Its not really a hint... but it was part of my experience. The first allowance I had (mind you was like $20/month), my dad taught me to budget it. I think I was roughly 10 years old at the time, maybe even younger. Now, you may think, this is a heavy topic for a little kid, but its not. Really, it comes down to simple adding and subtracting. But what you learn is how to look at your wants and needs and plan for them both. Because trust me, 15 years later, you no longer plan, you just know.


(2) Differentiate between Wants and Needs

This is a major, major, major, major thing for me. In our commercialized society we are seriously condition to think we desperately need something, especially when it first comes out. For example, all those rushing to get the iphone 5... DESPERATELY NEED IT! But, really, YOU DON'T! You know that saying 'If it's not broke, don't fix it' -- well, personally I add a 'and don't replace it until unfixable' --- which is ironic since one of the cellphone ads this year is of all these people breaking and sabotaging their phones in order to buy a "better and newer" one. But the reality is "newer is not necessarily better".

So, basically, you need to learn: A need is something that is crucial to living during your day-to-day life. A want is anything else.

Think of it this way: You need food to live -- you want twizzlers because you want a sugar rush. --> You buy a bag of apples $1.99 --> you buy a pack of twizzlers $1.99 --> you end up buying a bag of apples anyway, because you're still hungry and your body still needs nutrition.

This doesn't mean cut out the wants from your life, but it means only consider a want after you have fulfilled your needs, put some money on the side for future needs (i.e. savings), and then revisit if you still want that thing.

(3) Use only what you have, not more and always less

One major detail that my close friends know about me is that I have never had a credit card. I don't believe in using imaginary money. EVER. I like to use only what I have. So, say for the month I have $20 dollars and I need to fill some gas, get a formal shirt to wear for a panel presentation, and pay my electricity bill. I know, random, but sometimes our needs are a bit random...

For most people this is what happens:

(A) Pay electricity bill
(B) Buy shirt on credit card
(C) Fill gas on credit card
(D) Hope to God that next month we can make the monthly payment for the credit card dues.
(E) If remaining money is about $10, buy lunch for that day since we've exhausted ourselves mentally for worrying about finances.

So, in my mind:

(A) Pay my electricity bill in full (say about $10)
(B) Fill enough gas to make it until my next paycheck and walk A LOT. If anywhere is within a 3 mile radius, I sure as heck walk there. --> which usually keeps my gas pretty much unused.
(C) Take one hour to shop for a shirt within the remain cash that I have left over, assuming its about $10. If I don't find anything in that 1 hour, I put that money in my savings and find a shirt that is suitable in my closet, my mom's closet, my sister's closet, and then I move on to friend's closets. And since the females in my family as well as most of my friends work as teachers or are professionals, I can come up with something. If someone ever wants to do the same, let them. Don't think twice.

--- One thing that is important to note is you NEED to save. Consider it part of your Needs and not a Want.


(4) Budget in categories with margins of error

There are things that can be grouped together, for me it usually looks like this:

Monthly bills - car payments, insurance, rent (or mortgage), electricity, water,phone, heat ect (these thing are typically fixed and to be expected)
Savings - MONEY THAT YOU DO NOT TOUCH, EVER! ONLY IN EXTREME EMERGENCIES!
Day-to-Day expenses - groceries, gas, etc (these things fluctuate based on need, aren't as fixed, so sometimes you can go over and others you can go under)
Leisurely - Fun with family and friends, maybe a gym membership (your wants) - things that you can do, but you will always have some sort of free or cheaper alternative --> i.e. going out for coffee, even though you can invite a friend over at home and brew them a cup, go jogging in your neighborhood, borrow a book from the library instead of buying it, etc.

Say your paycheck is $175 a month (I am using small amounts on purpose, but you can imagine it is 2 times that amount or even 10 times, but this is to keep it simple, so that if you are a high schooler wanting to handle finances or a doctor with 3 clinics). I would allocate to each category only what I can afford:

Monthly bills ($75) ---- ($70)
Savings ($25) ---- ($20)
Day-today expenses ($25) ---- ($22)
Leisurely ($10) ---- ($7)
TOTAL - $135 ----- ($119)

So, where are those last $40? They are your margin of error. We always have some sort of emergency or day-to-day payment we couldn't account for. This covers for that. If nothing comes up: roll it into your savings or if you want to be adventurous use it for some fun family outing. BUT ONLY after the whole month has passed and nothing came up.

Also, if you noticed, a second column there is a $16 difference. You should aim to use the lower end of your allocated funds. This is because, again, your payments won't always be a certain fixed amount, and if don't account for these things, then you may totally financially screw yourself over.

(5) Constantly, Constantly, Constantly be appreciative for what you have and NEVER EVER ask for more.

Its one thing to need help to meet your needs, I am not saying don't ask a family member or friend for some help to meet your basic needs. But what I am saying is, don't constantly strive to get the newer and better or more of something. You have a computer at home to do your work, you can't quite afford that laptop yet, then don't get it until you've actually saved enough cash to buy it... don't buy it on credit card.

The thing is, often times people have wants and needs that don't match up with other's wants and needs. I, personally, am a minimalist. I don't like having more than I ever need. But many people are not like that. Don't be ashamed, but don't throw yourself into an ocean of debt just to fulfill your wants.

Say, you've been buying a cup of coffee daily and your finances are being stretched thin, well start brewing it at home (assuming you already have it), and save yourself $1 a day. It may seem like nothing, but over time, that $1/day will be helpful, especially when you have $365 at the end of the year and decide to use it on buying a new laptop... and yes, you can actually buy really great laptops for under $400... that will last you about 3-4 years.

Okay I'm going to add a 6th, a 7th, and an 8th... but I'll try to be brief.

(6) Donate

Don't treat money like its easily dispensable. Treat it with care. I'm not asking you to be stingy. DONATE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DONATE something. No matter how tight you are with your cash, donate something, $1 a month, more, less, but something. Money isn't yours forever, it circulates and moves, so be part of that movement, but rather in a selfish way, move it in a selfless and loving way. You don't have to go broke donating money, but you have to give something...

(7) Be Humble

Now, I'm writing a post about finances... makes me feel like a mighty person... but reality is, I'm not. I don't know jack about life, so I'm sorry I wasted 20 minutes of your time while you read this post.

But, really, being humble doesn't mean putting yourself down, or dressing like you haven't showered in 2 months. Or never buying yourself that little pick-me-up. Being humble, for me, means two things:
1- Recognizing that this stuff is beyond yourself. You are just one person in millions. Or your money, is only yours temporarily. That ownership is in flux and the only thing we own are our actions. So, its not about the money, but our actions when dealing with money.

2- Treating everyone and everything as valuable. Abuse comes when things are treated as though they lack value. Just because we may not consider something valuable, doesn't mean another feels the same. For me, my most valuable possessions are really worthless in the eyes of others. They hold much sentimental value. But what I am trying to say is, people, money, things, the world, they all have value and they should be treated with care and respect, just as you would like to be treated with care and respect. Yes, so treat a cup of coffee, as you would like to be treated. That is what I am saying, appreciate it, savor it, love it, all while you drink it.

-------

Okay LASTLY,

(8) Just be thankful.

I know I said this repeatedly in different ways, but you can never understand how much gratitude and thankfulness plays a huge roll in your outlook on life and how to deal with finances. So, just be thankful.

You don't say...

We always talk about how our words can cause reactions around us. We may say something silly, it elicits a chuckle. Something stupid, it also, elicits a chuckle. We may say something with gut-wrenching seriousness, and it may cause the listener to become nervous, uncomfortable, and outright disturbed... and so on a so forth.

This post is, however, about what we don't say.

I am a person, who will respond if I feel the environment will not respond. First, I will take 10 seconds to wait for someone to say something.... and then I will speak. Especially while I am teaching.

An interesting thing occurred about a year ago, I even posted a status about it. A student, who happened to be Arab, made one of the most discriminatory statements I had ever heard in my life, about homosexuals. I was, at first, stunned into shocked silence. Then, after about 10 seconds, I had chastised the student and asked the class that if one was to express their opinion in class, they must do with so with respect. However, the tension in the classroom escalated to a point that I almost considered calling campus security. People argued with physical distress, hands pounding on the table. I even had 3 students who were on sports teams, volunteer to stay in the room until tensions reduced. Within 10 minutes, the topic at hand was resolved and the class resumed.

However, one thing occurred. During those 10 minutes, a student slipped out of the classroom out of anger and frustration. The student returned after 10-15 minutes, until they cooled off, but never returned to future classes. Immediately after class, I spoke to the student who made the statement, and discussed the need to be culturally sensitive as well as understand that there is no one way to live one's life. People live the way they choose, and we must be tolerant regardless of our personal biases. This student gave me trouble the rest of the semester, in terms of respecting the rights of others, not only in terms of sexuality, but class, race and religion (including my own).

The other student, who I had known was openly gay, had asked with polite frustration in his voice, that we be more respectful when we discuss such issues in the future. Before, I could speak with them in person, they left classroom. So, I followed up with an email, apologizing for my inability to adequately handle the situation. Despite the fact that I had handled it to the best of my abilities.

Later that day, I had spoke to my advisor on how to handle such situations, and my advisor had stated that the way I handled it was the most efficient. Who knows, you never really know, until the situation arises.

This occurred about a year ago, yesterday my student (the one who left my class to never return), emailed me in a very impersonal email. They stated that they had dropped out of school because of my lack of immediate response. I will do everything in my power to get this student back and active in school again. However, a lesson must be learned for anyone who is reading this.

I'd like to point out, some people take time to respond to things, I am one of those people. But what you don't say, can seem like the worst kind of indictment to another. Silence is equally as painful as an insult, especially when misunderstood. I wish wish wish, I had instantaneously spoken, but 10 seconds can sometimes feel like 10 years for a person. Those 10 seconds of silence, felt like half of a second for me, but felt like a decade for my student.

I have learned that when in a position of authority, you must MUST MUST, respond immediately, with care and wisdom. 10 seconds can completely turn into a year for someone, and they may lose many opportunities along that time frame.

My student emailed me yesterday, I cried. I could not believe that my belated response could have taken such a toll. That event, until this day, has been a story I had openly shared with many of my co-workers and friends, because of how fast everything transpired. I always tell them, you need to try and dismantle escalating tensions as quickly as possible. I use this incident to explain how bigotry, biases and ignorance are detrimental to the stability of humanity. I have recalled this story maybe 20 to 30 times to people, so that I can share my experiences on how to handle high-stress situations in the classroom.

But, losing one student, a sincere and honest student, that is the biggest heartbreak of my life.

I wish I could turn back time, to that morning in the first couple of weeks of class, and just harshly chastise that student who made the comment. But at the time, I wanted to ensure that my students could openly express themselves, while maintaining respect. So, I sought to respond respectfully, while chastising. Maybe I should have been harsher.... I don't know. All I know is things unfold the way they do.

But now... I have learned that silence... is equally as dangerous as words, especially when silence is misinterpreted.

Pray for me.

Teaching vs. Research

If you have met me before, you'd know that I love teaching... with every fiber of my being. Co-workers in my department usually give me an odd look when I make such statements. Professors and advisors tell me that I need to have a healthy balance of both research and teaching. Well, I will discuss a brief comparison.
Warning: Humor may or may not be involved...

(1)

While teaching you may develop a "hero complex" in which you take command and lead the class into a victorious and glorious discussion. Where as in research, well you just stare at the hole in the wall in which you work, bouncing ideas off said walls, and then realize... if walls could speak, they'd tell you, "you are nuts."

(2)
While teaching, you interact with human beings... young, old, male, female and all those dichotomies in between. Working with so many different types of people is a humbling experience. You discover yourself through others. You learn how to deal with different types of people. You essentially realize that you are just one more piece in a wonderful puzzle. In research, you interact (depending on the field) with old books that might as well be called tombs, because they are so dusty that you may need an inhaler after opening them. Furthermore, you develop attachment to the aforementioned books, that may or may not be older than your grandmother, that you start to treat them like a human being... cajoling them into compliance, telling them to share their secrets, whispering sweet nothings into their ears....er... I mean.... binding...

Am I starting to worry you?

(3)
While teaching, you discover a piece of information and share it with the classroom... reflect on what it means, and come out with a healthy a viable research project... yes, teaching gets you to work on your research... In research, you discover a piece of information, horde it to yourself, and treat it like it is your last meal... ensuring that not one atom slips out of your grasp out of a sense of fear and paranoia that someone may or may not steal your ideas....

(4)
While teaching, you live life above ground. In research, you live like a rat, scurrying back to its hole in the wall. I'm starting to think of that story we read in Lit class back in my undergrad days "Yellow Wallpaper". o.O

(5)
While teaching, you eat normal food... In research, you also eat normal food.... GOT YOU THERE!! ----> PLUG IN! --> Never let your food, sleep, and exercise habits suffer!!

(6)
Teaching --- the most challenging job on the planet, but the most fulfilling job on the planet... Research --- the other most challenging job on the planet, but the least fulfilling job on the planet, unless you get some sort of International Academic Award like a Nobel Prize.... Can you buy one off ebay?

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Okay, I'll stop there. Six, that is enough. Have I mentioned that research is torture for people like me... You turn from alive, vivacious human being --> into a croaking, old machine that needs some oiling. o.O

Good luck Academics and research fellows...