Audit to learn... learn to audit!

So, I have this thing... about not taking classes officially because either 1) I can't afford it; or 2) it is not necessary for my degree, so there's no point in paying for it. So, I tend to Audit a class per year or even per semester. This fall, I am taking 3 classes, teaching, taking 2 comprehensive exams, working on a couple of research projects, reviewing some papers for potential publication, running some campus activities, and now I am thinking of auditing a class...

The thing is... I have too many good choices this semester!!! Let me show you what my options are:

Black Social and Political Thought
Introduction to Peace and Security Studies
Democracy
Race and Racism in America

See the thing is, I want to take 2 of them.... I can't just let it go... But I am way too busy this fall to take on extra (albeit voluntary) course work. I REALLY want to take the Black social and political thought class... but I really want to take the peace and security studies class too... and the Democracy one... and the race one... UGHHHHH!!! How can you narrow it down!!!!! o.O They all sound so interesting....

If you were me, what class would you add on????

I think I'm going to go with the first choice... why? Because I <3 WEB DuBois, and maybe this will expose me to some other authors during his era.... and maybe some more modern (of this time period) theorists..... hmmmmmm.....

I wish I didn't have to choose... In fact... I wish I could take all of them... o.O

This is the dilemma of the college student who loves the classroom and to learn.... I hope the professors let me sit in the class!!! Usually I audit Near Eastern Studies courses or political science, but this time the courses are from anthropology, sociology, peace and conflict studies and africana studies. So, different departments.... Don't know how the profs will react....

Pray for me!!! <3

Ramadany

I haven't posted in about a month... it feels like forever... odd.

This Ramadan has been interesting, so unique because I don't have a crazy schedule. I just teach in the morning and the rest of the day, I'm essentially free (other than research/paper writing). It is my first Ramadan in a long time, that I've had the opportunity to go to tarawih (the night prayers), because usually I have night classes up until 10pm and I don't get home till 11pm. I haven't gone to Qiyams (which is a long prayer all night long) with such frequency 2-3 times a week. In all honesty, I don't think I've ever even tasted the spiritual sweetness of Ramadan that scholars always talk about. But this Ramadan, I think I'm somewhere close. Maybe it's the sleep deprivation, maybe its the community feel, maybe it's just God. But I feel like I'm getting there.

Recently, I've been looking into other ways of expressing my faith, a more spiritual side, and this started about a month or so before Ramadan. I felt like I was just a machine, mechanically prayer, mechanically practicing.... my hinges needed to be oiled, my body clanging with each movement, it was grating. It was exhausting. I just felt wrong. I think God saw this, maybe my friends saw this, but suddenly I was thrust into a new world of spirituality that I haven't experienced before. An avenue that is much misunderstood (and still is by me), but it is something I learned (aml earning) to find contentment in. It is GENUINE. It is something that I found God in.

Yesterday at the Qiyam Sheik Salim Khalid said "I ride the waves of faith/spirituality", and his statement really resonated with me. I don't think I truly would have internalized such as statement 2 months ago. I would have chalked it up to be flowery, probably mocked it to no extent. But yesterday, I found it to be so unbelievable true.

Before Ramadan started, I visited multiple religious centers of various faith traditions. People hummed/sang with their spiritual leaders. Some swayed. Some chanted with gusto. I took it in. I observed, smiled, and swayed along. But instead in my head, I whispered some dhikr (remembrances of god) "thank god, god is beautiful, god is merciful...." I felt like I was part of a body of worshippers, each of us worshipping God in our own way. Now, during night prayers, something I NEVER could connect with, I feel the thread tying us all together. At the mawlids, I feel that thread. With the gift exchange of prayer beads, I feel the connection. I realized, the tradition I was lost in (not a specific tradition, but my own established self tradition) was so difficult to deal with. I am a very active person and I thought that type of religious lifestyle suited me the best. So, spirituality and gatherings of seeking a spiritual side were pushed off as not being as productive. I don't know what I am trying to say, really. But I guess, I found a direction I want to go through and I'm standing at the door looking out.

better to shut up

Often we hear that it is better to stay quiet than say something you may regret.... There are tons of famous quotes that allude to the power of silence.

“There are times when silence has the loudest voice”(Leroy Brownlow)
“Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it's all over.” (Gloria Naylor)
“Silences make the real conversations between friends. Not the saying but the never needing to say is what counts.” (Maragaret Lee Runbeck)
“Do not speak unless you can improve the silence”(proverb)
"Say good words or remain silent"(prophet Muhammad)
“Silence is a source of great strength.” (Lao Tzu)
“Silence is the true friend that never betrays.” (Confucius)
“I have learned silence from the talkative, tolerance from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind; yet strangely, I am ungrateful to these teachers” (Khalil Jibran)
“Silence is also speech” (Proverb)
“Silence is one of the hardest arguments to refute.” (Josh Billings)
“Silence is the safest course for any man to adopt who distrusts himself” (François de la Rochefoucauld)
“The world would be happier if men had the same capacity to be silent that they have to speak”(Baruch Spinoza)

and there are tons of others on the topic...

I've been trying to pick up the habit or art silence... I am a very talkative person (both internally and externally)... Ironically, I teach my students that "silence is consent"... but maybe silence is a bit more necessary... Sometimes you can really put your foot in your mouth. I see these quiet people, and lately, I'm jealous of them. I wish I had the power to shut up. There are times when warning signals go off in my brain and tell me to stop talking but I ignore them...

so why am I blogging about this...

Today, I opened up a conversation with my mother. I asked her if she could ever undo or edit a decision she's made in the past. I don't know what she expected me to respond with afterwards but I mentioned my education. I didn't mean that I wanted to change my career... or start a new one... I just wanted to de-stress. But I forgot, that sometimes people will misunderstand your words... No matter how many times you try to explain them. That people will forever interpret them with whatever lenses they're wearing at that moment or throughout life. I learned long ago, not to talk about school with my mom, because she never liked my career choice. Academia is a lot of work and I guess, in her own way, she believes that I should exert my energies in a place that may be more productive.

Well, I am going through the toughest part of my career and it's going to be equally as tough for the next two years. I am taking my comprehensive exams and then I will be starting my dissertation, God Willing. I've been in graduate school for over 4 years now; and I still have at least another 2 years... I guess what I wanted with my conversation with my mother, was a little support during this time, maybe some reassurance, maybe some love, maybe some hope... I don't know. But maybe I need to recognize that silence is the best option during times of stress. Maybe those who you normally go to with everything don't need to hear it.

Maybe, if you practice silence you don't have to worry of the repercussions of your words that bounce off another person and back upon you. My dad always quotes prophet Muhammad by saying "Those who say that the people are doomed, they are those who have brought doom upon the people" (really bad translation)... Maybe negative energy needs to be expressed, but not necessarily through words... maybe it can be expressed through other means. When you talk about how stressed you are, or depressed you are, or angry you are, or doomed or whatever.... I guess that's just fuel to the fire. Maybe there is wisdom in silence. It's been tested and tried, right?

Therefore, I have decided to up my game in practicing silence.... Before speaking I will answer the following questions in my head:
1- Does whatever I may say bring benefit? If yes... continue... if no... stop
2- Can whatever that needs to be expressed, be expressed in another way?
3- Is whatever I may say, something stemming from selfish purposes?

Any pointers on how to practice silence?

Moms rock

So, I'm gonna keep this post short but I thought it was worth blogging about.

I'm sitting on my laptop, reading journal articles... Mind you, they're articles that are irrelevant to my direct research, but extremely relevant to my field of study (especially with the comprehensive exams looming). Now, I know my mom didn't read the titles or authors, and even if she did, she wouldn't have recognized which others were relevant. I mean, she doesn't really know what my research is really about.

But she said:

"Reem... Do your research!"

in the same tone she may have used about 10-12 years ago when telling me "Reem... Do your homework!" ...

So, my mom rocks. Because she still 'gots it'. I mean, seriously. Other people might have heard their parent say that and go "mom! I'm an adult now.... stop reminding me like I'm 12" but me, I love it!!! My mom, she is awesome.

Now, let me get back to my research... my real 'Hi! my deadline is today' research...

peace.

Maybe I'm too cliche

My friend C.R. recently said something: that when God wants you to learn something, then God constantly bombards you with the same message over and over again. (completely paraphrased).

I don't want to say recently, but almost my whole life, I've had this love of differences. And as time progresses, I am bombarded with situations and people who are just soooo different and you can do nothing but embrace it. Humans were never completely the same. Even if our biological make up is 99% the same, we still have that 1% of difference that breaks the cycle. I've had this appreciation of non-conformity. I am enthralled by learning from people who have different outlooks, experiences, backgrounds and so forth. I don't care what the difference is, I just love to learn from it. However, we live in a society of herd mentality, conformity, and you know, being part of the in-crowd. So, in essence, I was often the odd man out. I learned, over time, to quietly appreciate from afar but never vocalize it. In college, I realized that I could speak up again... However, people started to assume that my curiosity in the 'otherness' of things was a way to affirm 'myself-ness' but really it's not. People get on the defensive and start arguing, where I would be totally content just listening. But, I am genuinely curious and interested and willing to try and experience what you experience to the best of my ability. I fear for those who go on the defensive, because that means that their experiences in the past have pushed them to that point.

Anyway, I love difference. I love it with a passion. I love it so much that when I was a kid, us girls would be like "I wanna marry so and so with such and such qualities" and I would always think "I want someone completely different than me" (whatever you may take that to mean). The thing that I cannot tolerate, or more accurately that thing that I dislike, is when people attempt to force you to take an opinion or to submit to their perspective as though it is better or worse than your own. Often people tell me, "Reem you assert your opinions all the time" and I would like to say:

No, no I do not. I express my opinions all the time. I do not assert them. You can take my opinion, reject my opinion, listen and dissect it, I don't mind. But I will never force it upon anyone. However, sometimes I "over explain my opinions" because I have a fear of being misunderstood. So, if I am saying something for a LOOONNNGGG time, trust me, it is because I feel like you may be misunderstanding me and not me forcing my opinion on you. And if you got what I was trying to say, just sincerely tell me - "Oh Reem, I got it, don't worry" and I'll probably stop, without any negative feelings or anything.

Went off on a tangent again... but anyway, the one thing I cannot handle is someone forcing their opinion upon me. Or indicating that my opinion was "wrong". Opinions were not made to be right or wrong.... that's what makes them opinions rather than facts of life. And even then, these opinions may be a fact of life for a person, but not necessarily for all. I mean, non of us can deny gravity, right? But not all people believe that twizzlers are AWESOME.

Maybe I have "post-modernist" tendencies., although I cannot stand being put into a neatly packaged box and commodified. I think we need to look at our perspectives and really explore how willing we are to accept people. I know that I need to learn to accept people who force their opinions as just peoples will a different take on life (not as pluralistic per se) but it will take time in general. I, myself, am a very opinionated person, in fact WE ALL ARE, even when we think we don't have an opinion about something. However, there are some of us who have no shame in expressing their opinions (or asking people about theirs) and their are some who think it's rude...

So, what's the point of this???

Please, please, please please please!!! Take humans for what they are, humans with opinions, rather than neatly packed ideologies. Experience what makes them human and what shapes their opinions. If people started to see humans as humans and not objects, trust me, the world would just be so much more peaceful and you'll be a million times more likely to experience all that is beautiful within it.

Maybe I'm idealistic. Maybe my opinion doesn't resonate with someone who is reading this. Well if that is the case, feel free to express why my opinion doesn't quite ring with you in the comment's section, in a loving and sisterly/brotherly way. I <3 constructive criticism.. Anyway, maybe I'm too cliche but --- appreciate (and experience!) differences.

Words slap hard

If you do not know this about me, I am a person who typically chooses their words with caution. There is this lingering fear that overwhelms me; in which I will hurt someone deeply and never be able to truly apologize, because I will not recognize the offense. Coupled with this fear is my fascination with language; how one need only to look at language and see the power dynamics thrive as Wittgenstein and Lyotard described. But I realized, that although I am a careful person, I am human and subject to the socialization process of stupidity.

Quick question: Have you ever heard someone say one of the following, or an off-shoot:
I want to die.
Kill me now.
I'd rather die.
I'd rather commit suicide.
Hang me.
Shoot me.
ect????

Well, I have. Repeatedly. In fact, I've heard it so much, it became part of my daily lexicon. Me, who can never tolerate racial jokes, gay jokes or statements like "that's so retarded"; I use these "kill me" statements all the time. Despite the fact that I know people who have committed suicide, I know people who have attempted it, and I have even talked people out of it.

Now, some people might say something like: What's the big deal? It's just a saying....

No, it's not. A couple of months ago, a friend of mine who I knew was depressed was talking to me about the most random things. I said something like one of those aforementioned phrases. I saw the shock on his face, but at the time I didn't comprehend the shock. Maybe I ignored it. Maybe I told myself I was misreading him. I don't know, it was back in january or february... some month when it was snowing like whoa.

Tonight, I said something to the effect of 'hang me now'.... and the minute the words and body language slipped past my control, I regretted it immensely. I kept thing "oh crap, I am so insensitive". Maybe I'm selfish and want to redeem myself....? Maybe, I want to come to terms with myself... Maybe, I want this to be a teachable moment.... But I realized, sometimes we can do something for so long and not realize how much it may hurt someone. While at other times, it just clicks into place and you realize the mistakes.

To my friends who have sought my advice and help through their times of depression and sadness: I apologize.
To all others, I hope I learn to be more cautious about my words.

I continued to think and think..... and think about those statements. Have you realized that these statements are a form of self-degredation? You enslave your soul to a sense of worthlessness and send it into a limbo of hopelessness. An inferiority complex develops, and one starts to think that they really don't matter.

Think about who you have ever heard make these statements... Most of the time, I hear it from people of subaltern backgrounds. People of "otherness" (myself included). Is this a mental slavery? Is this a way to condition the minority masses into feeling like life is not worth it. Wittgenstein believes that language is the embodiment of power; that you see the dynamics of human beings through language. Is this a manifestation of it? Are these statements a way to keep people down. To question their self-worth? Honestly, I don't know.

Recently, a person close to me told me they wanted to die. They said "Reem, life is not worth living... I'd rather die" (somewhat paraphrased, but essentially that). And on the spot I said: "Don't say that! Don't ever say that!".... You only put yourself down into a rut that you sink deeper and deeper into, like quicksand. Depression is a scary thing. Suicide and death, even more so.

So, today, I am breaking free from my past linguistic servitude. Whenever I am tired, exhausted, frustrated, going nuts and even depressed.... I will say "I'm going to bring life" or something to that effect. When someone around me says something like "I want to die" I will respond with "but I want you to live"; it doesn't matter whether they were joking or serious. Life is precious. And words, despite the saying "sticks and stones....", can destroy the world.... or help build a beautiful one.

Therefore, to anyone who reads this: LIVE.
and this poem emerges:

Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words will never hurt me
is an inaccurate fallacy
people do get hurt,
in fact , they die...
A word, can trigger wars
or broker peace deals
It is the tight rope walk between
life
and
death
One person can joke
and another will choke
till the words drive them crazy
push them into a frenzy
of anger, laughter, hate, love
despair...
life is anything but fair,
and we need to bear the burden
of our rashly, vomited words...
I never understood how a negative statement
could become so common
We twitch at racism
but shrug at sexism
bat an eyelash at political incorrectness
but don't give a crap about those who are affected
It's a show and we're all jugglers
of pins... no words... no pins
that poke us in the gut...
because we had a gut feeling that something went wrong
with that last statement....
So, think deep, ponder wide
sink into a cloud nine
of hope...
life is no joke....
the phrase
"I want to die"
may be said non-committedly
but
can steal someones soul
throw it overboard
while we go on alive
without realizing
we became a murder...
just by uttering a few words...

----

Keep on living y'all. I know, that without a doubt, you have so much to contribute. Let no one stop you.

Reactive Fools

Recently, I saved all my poetry that I could find in PDF format.... I've accumulated, over the last 5 years, about 200 pages worth of poetry. Some of it is okay, some of it is crap, and others are just post worthy. I've never considered my poetry to be great; actually, I've held a very critical view towards it for a long time. But despite that, I always feel my poetry. Reason being is that I tend to write in one rush of thought with no edits (unless the grammar and spelling are incoherent) and filled with the emotions I felt at the moment. If I start a poem and don't finish it, it'll never finish; it doesn't matter how great the beginning was. But the last poem I wrote was... I think in April.... Well, my blog posts are much the same...

Anyway, someone recently told me that I am too reactive to people. Not reactive as in the moment per se, but constantly conscious about other people's opinions of me. Which I find to weird, telling, incorrect, but somehow accurate. Why? Well, everyone, at some point in their lives has done something in response to perceptions. I am a very proactive person, so it was odd hearing this. But, I guess, what most people don't realize is that being proactive is actually a reactive sentiment from potential/future threats that one may bypass by being proactive.... whattT?????

So... I was told that I will exhaust myself if I constantly react to people, rather than find motivation and inspiration within myself. At this point, I felt being pushed on the defensive, maybe my hackles started to rise, and my eyes started to water--- but I was getting frustrated. However, I said nothing. I let the conversation continue. They continued to articulate that I was confused and unsure about who I am, i.e. that my identity was one that was forged out of reactive tendencies rather than a self will. When they were done, I told them that their perception was interesting, someone correct, but misunderstood, misguided, and well frankly colored in lenses of a world view that was strikingly different than my own.

Well then, who am I? Well, I was someone who grew up under the microscope, as are most young people. I am one who believes that in society, there will always be a referent, a point of comparison when people interact, as Rousseau talks about in the early transformations of society. But, I know exactly who I am. I see my double-consciousness, my otherness, my departure from the norm/mainstream and accept it. I never do things to appease people or defy people per se, but accept the forces of society that exist. I accept my context and define myself accordingly and in spite of. Therefore, if I react to something, it is because I choose to react and will it (yes the Nietzschean in me) then so be it. I am a person who loves to hear other perspectives, ideas, understandings of the world, and learn from them. I am a patch-quilt maker... I learn from the world, I react to the world, I take from the world, and hopefully I give back to the world. If we think that self-will can be completely stripped from society/social bonds, language games, collectivity, all of these ideals then life is reduced to socratic logic of 'If A is B, and B is C then A is C', but even Socrates/Plato recognizes that life adjusts, shifts, and reacts as time progresses; as articulated in the Republic and the transformation of people and governments.

So, what does this mean for me... Life, definitions, language games/rules, paradigms, wills ---- all these things change. Whether in minute details or is huge transformations. But back to the point, this person who told me I was going to burn out constantly reacting to people... No I won't, because you react to the world and people around you, but you just pretend that you don't. Call it what you want, accuse me as you may, but simply put... I react, but it is out of acceptance that life is constantly in flux. According to Lyotard (in my own paraphrasing take), language games are subject to rules, life is a series of language games, and if there are no rules, there are no games. However, the worst possible ending is entropy, which in that case, even if actions/words seem to be 'worse' they are in avoidance of completely dying/disappearing - entropy.

Maybe I went off on a tangent.... But what I am trying to say is this: just because people are reactive, doesn't mean that they don't know who they are. Some people accept it, and use it to change the direction of thought, action, life, the world. You think all the great philosophers were suddenly inspired (well other than St. Augustine in the Confessions) out of nowhere? They were reacting to the status quo of their society, whether they were incorporated within it or not. Contemplation, the idea of thinking about something, is a reaction. Your body is a series of reactions. If every cell reacts, how can you not as a whole being? Nietzsche called these reactions will to power.... maybe they are. Who knows really.

This post is a reaction...