By the Token of Time...

I look back at the last ten years of my life and see the immense amount of change. I see the paradigm shifts, the outbursts, the tensions, the transitions, the pushing forward, the falling back, the temporary bouts of insanity, the moments of true clarity, the anger, the happiness, the frustration, the cheerfulness, the all of the above and more. But, when last year I finally had the opportunity to stand in front of a classroom and just share a part of my passion, to students who were unwilling given that American Government is a general requirement no one wants to take, I've felt the aforementioned feelings plus ten-fold. I wonder what influence Time has....

Time is a beautiful, yet disconcerting teacher. She challenges your forbearance, but if you withstand her, you reap the rewards. There are moments when engaging with Time, that you hate her so much, you'd like to cease her existence. You'd like to press that "pause" button for all of eternity. You'd like to rewind her, change her, fast-forward her --> but you can't. Benjamin Franklin says "Lost time is never found again" and to some extent that is true. However, you can never lose time, she is always there, silently with you. Waiting for you to take notice of her, waiting for you to remember her. You may forget Time, but you will never lose her. She is there, with your every breath, every step, every blink, every smile; Time is your life-long companion... Treat her well, and she will treat you well.

One of the biggest epiphanies about time I had, was when reading St. Augustine's Confessions during undergrad in my Ancient and Medieval Political Thought class... St. Augustine asserted that time, like human beings, are a creation of God. That God exists despite time, outside of time, beyond time. Upon reading that notion, I realized that Time, as a creation, as a 'being' needed to be treated as well as I would treat myself, my family, my friends, even my things... Time needed to be treated with the accordance and love; with justice and patience; with hope and with fear; with tranquility and with tension. Time needed me as much as I needed her. We exist together on parallel planes, in different forms, within the same universe.

I learned that over the last 24 years of my life, Time has been good to me. She helps me in tough situations, she gives me a piece of her whenever I need an extra moment to breath. She condenses and expands when I'm in tight situations. In fact, when Time is short, she gives me more; when Time is long, she reminds me how much of her I could forget, misplace, or neglect. When I remember her, I could swear I can hear her as she calls up to the Lord and says: "Reem remembered me... so, please Lord, remember her."

Maybe, I am in a mystical fantasy... Maybe, I am just one of those crazies who see things in material form despite their abstractness... Maybe, I fell in love with Time when I realized that our Lord made her specifically tailored to me. To be my best companion and friend. When I neglect her, I neglect a piece of myself. When I forget her, I forget myself...

Time is alluring, strong, patient, willful, nurturing, challenging, and thought-provoking. She is the epitome of beauty... there is no wonder that God swears by her in the Quran "By the Token of Time...."

<3

I hear you

I hear you, from the tranquil thrumming of a damascene 'Oud
to the patient plucking of a Korean Gayageum
in the whispers of the wind
through the chants of a Buddhist monk...
I hear you, through the vibrant and enchanting flames of a candle lit menorah
in the twinkling star, situated at the zenith of a christmas tree...
through the unruly curls at a young child's brow
in the spiral twirls of incense smoke ascending to the sky.
I hear you, in the rising steam of a hot cup of tea
through the purring of a contented cat
in the beguiling, trance-like dance of a dervish
through the murmurs and sighs of an unspoken secret
I hear you, in the romanticized memories of the past
and the hopeful enthusiasm of the future
in the restless pacing of a worried parent
through the excitement and passion of a new love.
I hear you, through the dense and impenetrable fog
in the flooding nourishment of the rain
through the blistering heat of the sun
and the dizzying whirl of snowflakes, as they coat the earth.
I hear you, in the storytelling of a native american elder
through the spirit of animals
in the history of souls
in the logic of time...
I hear you...
I hope you can hear me too...

restless

In the wind,
multi-directional,
continuity...
faith, apples, yesterday
restless memories
of beehives... honey
combing away
the knots in your hair...
dancer,
flowing like a plastic bag
caught in the wind...

Point of Comparison...

I am somewhat exasperated with people (well with the upcoming listed qualities) lately. I don't know why, but being in their presence is just head-ache inducing. To the extent, that I've outright avoided them, or walked away from them, or started having a totally different conversation in my brain, or even just continued to nod in their presence while trying to steer the conversation in another direction. It is like, over the last week, I keep running into people exhibiting these qualities. The reason I say it like that, is because they are not people who are typically like this.... in all facets of their lives. Maybe I've never noticed it before, but more accurately, I don't think they were every like this, unless when under extreme duress. Which begs the question (at least in my brain) -- should I ask them what is wrong? (what if nothing is wrong) Or should I just let it go? (despite the fact that they induce migraines)....

So, what has been happening?

First, I have been interacting with people, who constantly use themselves as a point of comparison. Almost, to steer the conversation away from the issue/topic at hand, and bring it back to themselves. Now, there is nothing wrong with comparing situations for purely epistemic (deeper understanding) purposes. But to constantly belittle another's experiences with reference to your own just isn't appropriate. For example, (TOTALLY FAKE RANDOM EXAMPLE!) - me talking to Emily about my difficulties with grad school, and Emily saying something like "your life is not as hard as you think it is, you are a kid with no responsibilities, just college". Now, if Emily was to say something like "oh I totally get what you mean, it's been challenging for me to balance my motherly duties with my academic duties", I see no fault with that. It's creating a point of reference in your own life. But by using it as a point of difference "your like is not as hard", that's just obnoxious.

----- God doesn't burden a soul more than one can handle ---- so you're difficulties are relative, your periods/experiences of ease are relative as well... Please, please, please just let people feel what they want, don't belittle their experiences.

Second, people who are just harsh. Now, this my overlap with the first point, but it's different. Sometimes I just wish that people will turn their critical eye towards themselves. To judge themselves 100 times more harshly than they judge others. Something as simple as "that girl is so fat" or "has a horrible sense of style" -- seriously, you have no right. Because don't dish out what you can't take in. Trust me, you aren't infallible. I am sure you are equally as flawed. How would you like it to constantly be pointed out to other people in public settings. Please, just remember, God hides our sins and protects our privacy, until we reveal our indiscretions to the world. Who are you to point out someone's past, present, or future misgivings? If you farted in the privacy of your car? Or picked your nose while in the bathroom? Is that something you want to be pointed out in public? Just let inconsistencies/mistakes/flaws of others go, unless you are one-on-one and need to advise them... then at least be tactful.

Third, even when you joke, be nice. Don't make someone feel subhuman, or at least less than you, even while joking. This ties #1 and #2 together. I was in conversation with someone, and they basically pointed out (while supposedly joking), that a certain quality of mine. This quality does not need to be positive or negative. But when joked about in a specific tone of voice, it makes a person feel deficient, incomplete, less than normal. For example, I have no qualms saying that I am very much emotional. Sometimes it is AWESOME because I feel strong levels of empathy and sympathy for people. Sometimes it SUCKS because I'll start crying in the middle of a conversation with someone in a very public setting. But to tell me that "oh reem, you'll never be able to teach, because you have no control of your emotions" then laugh it off like it was some sort of joke.... well, that's B.S. and people will eventually avoid you for your B.S.. Most people don't like to be bullied, and that what those kinds of jokes are, a form of bullying. Oh snap, now you realize that you may have been a bully without realizing... doesn't that suck.... o.O

Finally, I ask that you tap into your human center and constantly embody positive behaviors. I know this all sounds idealistic, and that we aren't at all as perfect as we'd like to be, but we need something to strive towards. If people tick me off, I have different reactions depending on the individual involved and the extent of anger. I could: smile, laugh (most of the time this is what happens with me), flip out, walk away, give them the "look", get confused, change the course of the conversation, or just talk out the issue. How I will react changes all the time. But, If someone is being negative towards you, then find a way to turn it into a positive experience. Whether it is during, before, or after the experience.

I guess that's it. I know this was long and tiresome, but I had to get it out of me. This is my post ex facto blog post to turn my negative experiences into a lesson learned. Because, honestly, no one really reads this.... So, it's more like an organizing of my personal thoughts. o.O

PEACE.

Audit to learn... learn to audit!

So, I have this thing... about not taking classes officially because either 1) I can't afford it; or 2) it is not necessary for my degree, so there's no point in paying for it. So, I tend to Audit a class per year or even per semester. This fall, I am taking 3 classes, teaching, taking 2 comprehensive exams, working on a couple of research projects, reviewing some papers for potential publication, running some campus activities, and now I am thinking of auditing a class...

The thing is... I have too many good choices this semester!!! Let me show you what my options are:

Black Social and Political Thought
Introduction to Peace and Security Studies
Democracy
Race and Racism in America

See the thing is, I want to take 2 of them.... I can't just let it go... But I am way too busy this fall to take on extra (albeit voluntary) course work. I REALLY want to take the Black social and political thought class... but I really want to take the peace and security studies class too... and the Democracy one... and the race one... UGHHHHH!!! How can you narrow it down!!!!! o.O They all sound so interesting....

If you were me, what class would you add on????

I think I'm going to go with the first choice... why? Because I <3 WEB DuBois, and maybe this will expose me to some other authors during his era.... and maybe some more modern (of this time period) theorists..... hmmmmmm.....

I wish I didn't have to choose... In fact... I wish I could take all of them... o.O

This is the dilemma of the college student who loves the classroom and to learn.... I hope the professors let me sit in the class!!! Usually I audit Near Eastern Studies courses or political science, but this time the courses are from anthropology, sociology, peace and conflict studies and africana studies. So, different departments.... Don't know how the profs will react....

Pray for me!!! <3

Ramadany

I haven't posted in about a month... it feels like forever... odd.

This Ramadan has been interesting, so unique because I don't have a crazy schedule. I just teach in the morning and the rest of the day, I'm essentially free (other than research/paper writing). It is my first Ramadan in a long time, that I've had the opportunity to go to tarawih (the night prayers), because usually I have night classes up until 10pm and I don't get home till 11pm. I haven't gone to Qiyams (which is a long prayer all night long) with such frequency 2-3 times a week. In all honesty, I don't think I've ever even tasted the spiritual sweetness of Ramadan that scholars always talk about. But this Ramadan, I think I'm somewhere close. Maybe it's the sleep deprivation, maybe its the community feel, maybe it's just God. But I feel like I'm getting there.

Recently, I've been looking into other ways of expressing my faith, a more spiritual side, and this started about a month or so before Ramadan. I felt like I was just a machine, mechanically prayer, mechanically practicing.... my hinges needed to be oiled, my body clanging with each movement, it was grating. It was exhausting. I just felt wrong. I think God saw this, maybe my friends saw this, but suddenly I was thrust into a new world of spirituality that I haven't experienced before. An avenue that is much misunderstood (and still is by me), but it is something I learned (aml earning) to find contentment in. It is GENUINE. It is something that I found God in.

Yesterday at the Qiyam Sheik Salim Khalid said "I ride the waves of faith/spirituality", and his statement really resonated with me. I don't think I truly would have internalized such as statement 2 months ago. I would have chalked it up to be flowery, probably mocked it to no extent. But yesterday, I found it to be so unbelievable true.

Before Ramadan started, I visited multiple religious centers of various faith traditions. People hummed/sang with their spiritual leaders. Some swayed. Some chanted with gusto. I took it in. I observed, smiled, and swayed along. But instead in my head, I whispered some dhikr (remembrances of god) "thank god, god is beautiful, god is merciful...." I felt like I was part of a body of worshippers, each of us worshipping God in our own way. Now, during night prayers, something I NEVER could connect with, I feel the thread tying us all together. At the mawlids, I feel that thread. With the gift exchange of prayer beads, I feel the connection. I realized, the tradition I was lost in (not a specific tradition, but my own established self tradition) was so difficult to deal with. I am a very active person and I thought that type of religious lifestyle suited me the best. So, spirituality and gatherings of seeking a spiritual side were pushed off as not being as productive. I don't know what I am trying to say, really. But I guess, I found a direction I want to go through and I'm standing at the door looking out.

better to shut up

Often we hear that it is better to stay quiet than say something you may regret.... There are tons of famous quotes that allude to the power of silence.

“There are times when silence has the loudest voice”(Leroy Brownlow)
“Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it's all over.” (Gloria Naylor)
“Silences make the real conversations between friends. Not the saying but the never needing to say is what counts.” (Maragaret Lee Runbeck)
“Do not speak unless you can improve the silence”(proverb)
"Say good words or remain silent"(prophet Muhammad)
“Silence is a source of great strength.” (Lao Tzu)
“Silence is the true friend that never betrays.” (Confucius)
“I have learned silence from the talkative, tolerance from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind; yet strangely, I am ungrateful to these teachers” (Khalil Jibran)
“Silence is also speech” (Proverb)
“Silence is one of the hardest arguments to refute.” (Josh Billings)
“Silence is the safest course for any man to adopt who distrusts himself” (François de la Rochefoucauld)
“The world would be happier if men had the same capacity to be silent that they have to speak”(Baruch Spinoza)

and there are tons of others on the topic...

I've been trying to pick up the habit or art silence... I am a very talkative person (both internally and externally)... Ironically, I teach my students that "silence is consent"... but maybe silence is a bit more necessary... Sometimes you can really put your foot in your mouth. I see these quiet people, and lately, I'm jealous of them. I wish I had the power to shut up. There are times when warning signals go off in my brain and tell me to stop talking but I ignore them...

so why am I blogging about this...

Today, I opened up a conversation with my mother. I asked her if she could ever undo or edit a decision she's made in the past. I don't know what she expected me to respond with afterwards but I mentioned my education. I didn't mean that I wanted to change my career... or start a new one... I just wanted to de-stress. But I forgot, that sometimes people will misunderstand your words... No matter how many times you try to explain them. That people will forever interpret them with whatever lenses they're wearing at that moment or throughout life. I learned long ago, not to talk about school with my mom, because she never liked my career choice. Academia is a lot of work and I guess, in her own way, she believes that I should exert my energies in a place that may be more productive.

Well, I am going through the toughest part of my career and it's going to be equally as tough for the next two years. I am taking my comprehensive exams and then I will be starting my dissertation, God Willing. I've been in graduate school for over 4 years now; and I still have at least another 2 years... I guess what I wanted with my conversation with my mother, was a little support during this time, maybe some reassurance, maybe some love, maybe some hope... I don't know. But maybe I need to recognize that silence is the best option during times of stress. Maybe those who you normally go to with everything don't need to hear it.

Maybe, if you practice silence you don't have to worry of the repercussions of your words that bounce off another person and back upon you. My dad always quotes prophet Muhammad by saying "Those who say that the people are doomed, they are those who have brought doom upon the people" (really bad translation)... Maybe negative energy needs to be expressed, but not necessarily through words... maybe it can be expressed through other means. When you talk about how stressed you are, or depressed you are, or angry you are, or doomed or whatever.... I guess that's just fuel to the fire. Maybe there is wisdom in silence. It's been tested and tried, right?

Therefore, I have decided to up my game in practicing silence.... Before speaking I will answer the following questions in my head:
1- Does whatever I may say bring benefit? If yes... continue... if no... stop
2- Can whatever that needs to be expressed, be expressed in another way?
3- Is whatever I may say, something stemming from selfish purposes?

Any pointers on how to practice silence?