heart beat

So, I was sitting there at the echo verse where LaTerry Aaron (i think that was her name) was being featured, and everytime I heard her perform, she does her peices about spirituality, love, and faith. This morning... I woke up, and I started writing.
The amazing thing about faith is that, regardless of a person's faith, spirituality always seeps onto you, even for the moment. And i realized, even though for LaTerry, in her poetry, her faith seemed like a safe-haven, somewhere she can easily retreat to, for me, to find my faith it's always a battle. (see my older peice, called a love letter), it always happens that I write my 'spiritual poetry' when i'm feeling down. but as I was sitting there reflecting at the different expressions of faith (like J.Y.'s masterpiece), that's exactly how it'll be, different, accomodating to each different individual.
For me, I am in constant angst, you hear it alot in my poetry, things like 'i am frustration'... and well, me and my faith, well i know i love God, I know i love Islam, because it just seems so intune with everyone, regardless of the stereotypes put out by the media, for me, my faith will always be an internal struggle, a fight, and that's just who i am... and i guess this is a piece on what that struggle might look like.
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I don't know how to wrap my mind around this, let alone my words
I'm running head on into battle, without a shield, and a blunted sword
Hearing banshee shrieks erupt from my throat
as I face off my demons, in my imaginary world
internal warfare, mind versus soul
skipping over a tight rope walk between reality and the unseen
anonymously wanted, convicted by angels in my dreams
someone holds me in the palm of their hand
and places me on the life-sized rubber band
sling shotted, out of the realm, out of where i pretended to be
thinking that i am everything that i appear to be
but I realize that I'm restless, pained, and in fear
because everything i was taught in Sunday school, is starting to come clear
I walk like a kid, face painted at a carnival
holding cotton candy, as my sugary arsenal
stuck in a cookie monster complex,
that i'll always have easy access to the jar
by putting out a fierce image, scruffy, blue, scarred
scared, to hand over my heart's 4 chambers
for something beyond, what my eyes can see,
what my fingers can feel,
beyond taste and smell, and what my ears hear
and far beyond what my imagination is worth
because i took a silent oath before my birth
which implanted itself in my unbeating heart
made it's way through my nerve endings
pumped away through my arteries and veins, more beautiful that Mozart
i attempt to resist this, what i see as an invasion on my soul
something that is beyond my comprehension, far beyond my control
and although i started off militarily, fighting for control
I relinquish it, step aside, and take on the measly role of
patrolling my innermost thoughts, but never understanding their words
because speaking to myself, is like speaking English in Creole
I feel like a gypsy walking on hot coal
giving off the air of fascination, when my feet are burning at their soles
feeling like a doppelganger, fighting for the fleshy body, to inhabit. this soul
makes its way, past the fighting and screams of my mind
past the rivers and pastures of this life
past the crosses and nooses and the strife
past the doctors, nurses, and midwives
who attempt to salvage what is left of me
because my EKG reads, not one beep
my heart beat stilled waiting for the skin deep
exorcism of my doubts and creeps
and the resurrection of my faith from sleep
the water is thrown in my face,
an epiphany is at hand, about to take place
and my faith makes way to it's rightful place
back to my heart, which is connected to my nerves and veins
which wrap around my organs and brain
and I realize that my limbs no longer resist me
no longer fight me,
cuz the battle was fought clumsily
the flag of surrender was raised quickly
and I inhale everything much more sweetly
because my heart is beating involuntarily, voluntarily
with a purpose beyond me
my heart is beating
la i- llaha-illah-Allah
in unison with everything
because this is a test of alchemy
since my soul is merging with everything
my heart beats in unison
with the winds caress on the trees
the suns evaporation of tears
the clouds shading of fears
the birth, death and rebirth of nature's green
my heart beats
la i-llaha-illah-Allah
and i just gave up what i thought was everything
for what is truly everything
abandoned my pride,
laid my shield to the side
yielded, even though i fought it my whole life
my heart beats
la i-llaha-illah-Allah


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for those who don't know what 'la illaha illah Allah' means, it means "there is no God but God"