depressed??... be happy...

Asalamu alaikum.... meaning... may peace be upon you...

Initially, I was going to write about some reflections I had yesterday at a workshop, but now... after saying asalamu alaikum, I think I might go in another direction... actually.. you know what?? I'll do both... and hope it doesn't get too wordy...

Anyway, lately I've been feeling wicked depressed... For as long as I can remember, I've had emotions and thoughts of a self-deprecating nature. I mean, thoughts of... it doesn't matter how many people might tell you that they love you... the reality is... you don't love yourself... and therefore... what everyone else says just seems inconsequential... without weight... basically a form of projecting your own doubts about yourself onto people, and not really taking what they say with any seriousness or validity...
Now, those of you who know me (or think they do)... might think damn!!! I thought Reem was this bubbly, confident, full of herself, happy person... Allahu 'alam.

Anyway, so during the day yesterday I was wicked sad... that I was sitting in the middle of the UGL and started crying while reading my email... not like sniffles... but silent tears... that you know came out like rivers... and some girl looked at me... all pity like.... and it made me feel all the more depressed... like i'm not even in control... My sister had suggested that I tell her (yes we were on gchat) I was committing cyber suicide... leave it to my sister to crack me up in the midst of teariness.. :D (I LOVE YOU RUBY!!!)

Anyway, so i go to this workshop, and basically the speaker/discussant/leader in our group basically tells us that our religion is a source of happiness (in my head I was thinking more along the lines of contentment but happiness works too)... And if we don't feel happy, there's an issue we need to address, we need to go back to the sources of Islam and re-establish that connection... Because recognizing God as the source of all (yes... all...) then you recognize that He is a constant in your life, where people might come and go, things might come and go, emotions might come and go... but God... well He's always there... and you can scream, fight, love, hate... but God will still be there.

For me... although I've heard that sooo many times before... yesterday, it was like a re-dawning... I realized that my connection with God has been weak... possibly even severed... and alot of my moodiness might stem from that. Maybe, I won't be able to love myself... until I really love God. Maybe, love is an emotion that is superficial/imaginary unless it's made real with God. (not to sound super like weird and all)... but I was thinking about it. I mean... as a person who believes in God... my emotions are made truly REAL when associated with God.

So, back to the concept of Asalamu alaikum... have you ever realized... that Asalamu alaikum... the most common Islamic greeting... means Peace be upon you... I've always thought of it as in... peace like versus war in a social/political sense. (I remember someone saying it was a greeting to make clear that there was no conflict between people, with an extended hand).. But after yesterday... with the issue of contentment/happiness... maybe it's a prayer for inner peace... I mean... If someone was like... Reem... May Peace be upon you... I'd think they're praying for my sanity. Praying for a sense of happiness and contentment... They're praying for me to re-establish my connection with God. They're praying for me to love myself. They're praying for me to love everyone else (and no I don't necessarily mean it in the hippie way.. but sure why not).. They're praying for me to accept everyone regardless of any baggage they may carry... They're praying for something... meaning... they cannot give it to me... I cannot give it to me... Only God can give it to me... Therefore... they're praying for me to make peace with God. They're praying for me... to essentially truly accept God and His Will and Wisdom... To truly realize that God is once again... there... waiting for you to recognize Him in your life.

I don't know... before starting this post... before typing in asalamu alaikum in the beginning... I had intended to complain about how I hated myself so much... but now... by the end of this post... I'm thinking... maybe that feeling can change.. maybe I can truly love myself oneday (maybe today... inshaAllah... maybe 30 years from now... God knows best)... and now I'm thinking... whenever I say asalamu alaikum to someone or if someone says it to me... I'm gonna think of it, in these terms... because it's a prayer to God for Peace... and everyone wants some sense of contentment/happiness/inner peace.

I guess... I hope that our mission in life isn't something superficial and quantitative... I hope people truly acquire a sense of inner peace.

Asalamu aliakum... May Peace be upon you.