Good Afternoon. ^_-
So, I have a tendency to reflect on conversations unintentionally for hours, days, weeks, months, and even years after they occur. I'm not really sure why. Some people have advised me to merely "shut off my brain" or "stop thinking" but it's not that simple. A person, especially me, can't just turn off their brain as though there is an 'on/off' switch. Bits and pieces of conversations always comeback to me. I may forget your name, but many conversations replay in my head, despite my lack of memory in regards to the person I am speaking to. But anyway, it is not something I can just get rid of.
The other day my dad was telling me that in his culture growing up, people used to burn their old journals to symbolize a new start. That with blogs, it is not as easy to give up on the past and start a new beginning with all these emotions still percolating in your brain. That well, people are unlikely to 'delete' all their old posts (or disable their old accounts). As much as I think that burning old journals is a wicked way to start a new phase in life, it is not really probable for me... Unless I suddenly get amnesia.
Anyway, so I was having a conversation with someone today. We exchanged some words and our argument escalated. It escalated quickly and ended quickly, but escalated nonetheless. This conversation was not a new one. It was one that has been lurking in my mind, snippets from other conversations in the past; Like they snowball into one moment and suddenly disperse. Anyway, I organize things in my head thematically, so it doesn't matter who the person is, it is the issue/topic itself that triggers emotions for me.
Basically, I realized something after my conversation this morning... well, in comparison to past conversations as well. People don't do the same thing. People don't think the same way. People don't remember conversations. In fact, people rarely think about the conversations after the day's end or maybe the week's end. I know it sounds silly to not realize that previously, because I knew this, I just didn't realize it. I don't think I bottle up emotions, but I do think that I have a reserve that I tap into sometimes. Today, is one of those days... When the reserve is overflowing, and on such days I avoid conversation. I avoid confrontation. I avoid speaking at large. I avoid it, because I know that whatever I say will escalate and I'd rather not save that argument unintentionally in my mind. This is not something people need to take personally, it's a human flaw that I have. I need to learn how to deal with it.
So, basically... What am I saying here?
For most people, they'll just assume that I'm temporarily 'moody'. I allow that assumption to hold. But really, I am overflowing with thoughts... I am thinking so much about so many things, that I avoid people till my thoughts settle. Sometimes it's a five minute break other times it may be a day. Otherwise, my thoughts are like boiling water, burning hot, bubbles popping, somewhat impetuous, and can only be tempered with a bit of time.
Why am I posting this? Well, for me, blogging allows some of those thoughts to settle a bit more quickly.
But really, Why am I posting this? Well, because although I know I can't stop thinking, I am hoping that someone out there has some constructive advice on how to deal with 'overflowing thoughts'. As well is, how to filter out some of those conversations that really don't need to stay in my brain, but end up there for years. I mean, I have conversations from when I was in summer camp in 1998 playing in my brain and trust me, that period of my life is done and over with. I have a couple from kindergarten even! And they just randomly play in my head... and I sit there and think and think and think about them. Constantly asking myself: What does this mean to me now? Why am I thinking about this? Is it wrong to think about this? Am I psychoanalyzing myself? Then I go on a cost-benefit analysis of self-reflection.... and this will all be going on, while I'm in mid conversation with one of you about, I don't know, say the revolutionary war or something. So, this internal frustration with lack of answers will lead to an aggressiveness in our revolutionary war conversation, and viola --> we escalate into an argument, that really was not supposed to happen.
So, again... why am I posting this?
A) Advice please! on de-cluttering the mind!
B) Forgive me if I ever pushed you into an argument without meaning to.
C) If I need a moment to 'breathe', please it'll just be better for the both of us if you let me take it.
D) I will think about our conversations long after you've forgotten about them, so.... just think about that for a bit.
I guess that's all I really wanted to say.
Drum roll…After three years, The Film is Done!
3 years ago