Moms rock

So, I'm gonna keep this post short but I thought it was worth blogging about.

I'm sitting on my laptop, reading journal articles... Mind you, they're articles that are irrelevant to my direct research, but extremely relevant to my field of study (especially with the comprehensive exams looming). Now, I know my mom didn't read the titles or authors, and even if she did, she wouldn't have recognized which others were relevant. I mean, she doesn't really know what my research is really about.

But she said:

"Reem... Do your research!"

in the same tone she may have used about 10-12 years ago when telling me "Reem... Do your homework!" ...

So, my mom rocks. Because she still 'gots it'. I mean, seriously. Other people might have heard their parent say that and go "mom! I'm an adult now.... stop reminding me like I'm 12" but me, I love it!!! My mom, she is awesome.

Now, let me get back to my research... my real 'Hi! my deadline is today' research...

peace.

Maybe I'm too cliche

My friend C.R. recently said something: that when God wants you to learn something, then God constantly bombards you with the same message over and over again. (completely paraphrased).

I don't want to say recently, but almost my whole life, I've had this love of differences. And as time progresses, I am bombarded with situations and people who are just soooo different and you can do nothing but embrace it. Humans were never completely the same. Even if our biological make up is 99% the same, we still have that 1% of difference that breaks the cycle. I've had this appreciation of non-conformity. I am enthralled by learning from people who have different outlooks, experiences, backgrounds and so forth. I don't care what the difference is, I just love to learn from it. However, we live in a society of herd mentality, conformity, and you know, being part of the in-crowd. So, in essence, I was often the odd man out. I learned, over time, to quietly appreciate from afar but never vocalize it. In college, I realized that I could speak up again... However, people started to assume that my curiosity in the 'otherness' of things was a way to affirm 'myself-ness' but really it's not. People get on the defensive and start arguing, where I would be totally content just listening. But, I am genuinely curious and interested and willing to try and experience what you experience to the best of my ability. I fear for those who go on the defensive, because that means that their experiences in the past have pushed them to that point.

Anyway, I love difference. I love it with a passion. I love it so much that when I was a kid, us girls would be like "I wanna marry so and so with such and such qualities" and I would always think "I want someone completely different than me" (whatever you may take that to mean). The thing that I cannot tolerate, or more accurately that thing that I dislike, is when people attempt to force you to take an opinion or to submit to their perspective as though it is better or worse than your own. Often people tell me, "Reem you assert your opinions all the time" and I would like to say:

No, no I do not. I express my opinions all the time. I do not assert them. You can take my opinion, reject my opinion, listen and dissect it, I don't mind. But I will never force it upon anyone. However, sometimes I "over explain my opinions" because I have a fear of being misunderstood. So, if I am saying something for a LOOONNNGGG time, trust me, it is because I feel like you may be misunderstanding me and not me forcing my opinion on you. And if you got what I was trying to say, just sincerely tell me - "Oh Reem, I got it, don't worry" and I'll probably stop, without any negative feelings or anything.

Went off on a tangent again... but anyway, the one thing I cannot handle is someone forcing their opinion upon me. Or indicating that my opinion was "wrong". Opinions were not made to be right or wrong.... that's what makes them opinions rather than facts of life. And even then, these opinions may be a fact of life for a person, but not necessarily for all. I mean, non of us can deny gravity, right? But not all people believe that twizzlers are AWESOME.

Maybe I have "post-modernist" tendencies., although I cannot stand being put into a neatly packaged box and commodified. I think we need to look at our perspectives and really explore how willing we are to accept people. I know that I need to learn to accept people who force their opinions as just peoples will a different take on life (not as pluralistic per se) but it will take time in general. I, myself, am a very opinionated person, in fact WE ALL ARE, even when we think we don't have an opinion about something. However, there are some of us who have no shame in expressing their opinions (or asking people about theirs) and their are some who think it's rude...

So, what's the point of this???

Please, please, please please please!!! Take humans for what they are, humans with opinions, rather than neatly packed ideologies. Experience what makes them human and what shapes their opinions. If people started to see humans as humans and not objects, trust me, the world would just be so much more peaceful and you'll be a million times more likely to experience all that is beautiful within it.

Maybe I'm idealistic. Maybe my opinion doesn't resonate with someone who is reading this. Well if that is the case, feel free to express why my opinion doesn't quite ring with you in the comment's section, in a loving and sisterly/brotherly way. I <3 constructive criticism.. Anyway, maybe I'm too cliche but --- appreciate (and experience!) differences.

Words slap hard

If you do not know this about me, I am a person who typically chooses their words with caution. There is this lingering fear that overwhelms me; in which I will hurt someone deeply and never be able to truly apologize, because I will not recognize the offense. Coupled with this fear is my fascination with language; how one need only to look at language and see the power dynamics thrive as Wittgenstein and Lyotard described. But I realized, that although I am a careful person, I am human and subject to the socialization process of stupidity.

Quick question: Have you ever heard someone say one of the following, or an off-shoot:
I want to die.
Kill me now.
I'd rather die.
I'd rather commit suicide.
Hang me.
Shoot me.
ect????

Well, I have. Repeatedly. In fact, I've heard it so much, it became part of my daily lexicon. Me, who can never tolerate racial jokes, gay jokes or statements like "that's so retarded"; I use these "kill me" statements all the time. Despite the fact that I know people who have committed suicide, I know people who have attempted it, and I have even talked people out of it.

Now, some people might say something like: What's the big deal? It's just a saying....

No, it's not. A couple of months ago, a friend of mine who I knew was depressed was talking to me about the most random things. I said something like one of those aforementioned phrases. I saw the shock on his face, but at the time I didn't comprehend the shock. Maybe I ignored it. Maybe I told myself I was misreading him. I don't know, it was back in january or february... some month when it was snowing like whoa.

Tonight, I said something to the effect of 'hang me now'.... and the minute the words and body language slipped past my control, I regretted it immensely. I kept thing "oh crap, I am so insensitive". Maybe I'm selfish and want to redeem myself....? Maybe, I want to come to terms with myself... Maybe, I want this to be a teachable moment.... But I realized, sometimes we can do something for so long and not realize how much it may hurt someone. While at other times, it just clicks into place and you realize the mistakes.

To my friends who have sought my advice and help through their times of depression and sadness: I apologize.
To all others, I hope I learn to be more cautious about my words.

I continued to think and think..... and think about those statements. Have you realized that these statements are a form of self-degredation? You enslave your soul to a sense of worthlessness and send it into a limbo of hopelessness. An inferiority complex develops, and one starts to think that they really don't matter.

Think about who you have ever heard make these statements... Most of the time, I hear it from people of subaltern backgrounds. People of "otherness" (myself included). Is this a mental slavery? Is this a way to condition the minority masses into feeling like life is not worth it. Wittgenstein believes that language is the embodiment of power; that you see the dynamics of human beings through language. Is this a manifestation of it? Are these statements a way to keep people down. To question their self-worth? Honestly, I don't know.

Recently, a person close to me told me they wanted to die. They said "Reem, life is not worth living... I'd rather die" (somewhat paraphrased, but essentially that). And on the spot I said: "Don't say that! Don't ever say that!".... You only put yourself down into a rut that you sink deeper and deeper into, like quicksand. Depression is a scary thing. Suicide and death, even more so.

So, today, I am breaking free from my past linguistic servitude. Whenever I am tired, exhausted, frustrated, going nuts and even depressed.... I will say "I'm going to bring life" or something to that effect. When someone around me says something like "I want to die" I will respond with "but I want you to live"; it doesn't matter whether they were joking or serious. Life is precious. And words, despite the saying "sticks and stones....", can destroy the world.... or help build a beautiful one.

Therefore, to anyone who reads this: LIVE.
and this poem emerges:

Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words will never hurt me
is an inaccurate fallacy
people do get hurt,
in fact , they die...
A word, can trigger wars
or broker peace deals
It is the tight rope walk between
life
and
death
One person can joke
and another will choke
till the words drive them crazy
push them into a frenzy
of anger, laughter, hate, love
despair...
life is anything but fair,
and we need to bear the burden
of our rashly, vomited words...
I never understood how a negative statement
could become so common
We twitch at racism
but shrug at sexism
bat an eyelash at political incorrectness
but don't give a crap about those who are affected
It's a show and we're all jugglers
of pins... no words... no pins
that poke us in the gut...
because we had a gut feeling that something went wrong
with that last statement....
So, think deep, ponder wide
sink into a cloud nine
of hope...
life is no joke....
the phrase
"I want to die"
may be said non-committedly
but
can steal someones soul
throw it overboard
while we go on alive
without realizing
we became a murder...
just by uttering a few words...

----

Keep on living y'all. I know, that without a doubt, you have so much to contribute. Let no one stop you.

Reactive Fools

Recently, I saved all my poetry that I could find in PDF format.... I've accumulated, over the last 5 years, about 200 pages worth of poetry. Some of it is okay, some of it is crap, and others are just post worthy. I've never considered my poetry to be great; actually, I've held a very critical view towards it for a long time. But despite that, I always feel my poetry. Reason being is that I tend to write in one rush of thought with no edits (unless the grammar and spelling are incoherent) and filled with the emotions I felt at the moment. If I start a poem and don't finish it, it'll never finish; it doesn't matter how great the beginning was. But the last poem I wrote was... I think in April.... Well, my blog posts are much the same...

Anyway, someone recently told me that I am too reactive to people. Not reactive as in the moment per se, but constantly conscious about other people's opinions of me. Which I find to weird, telling, incorrect, but somehow accurate. Why? Well, everyone, at some point in their lives has done something in response to perceptions. I am a very proactive person, so it was odd hearing this. But, I guess, what most people don't realize is that being proactive is actually a reactive sentiment from potential/future threats that one may bypass by being proactive.... whattT?????

So... I was told that I will exhaust myself if I constantly react to people, rather than find motivation and inspiration within myself. At this point, I felt being pushed on the defensive, maybe my hackles started to rise, and my eyes started to water--- but I was getting frustrated. However, I said nothing. I let the conversation continue. They continued to articulate that I was confused and unsure about who I am, i.e. that my identity was one that was forged out of reactive tendencies rather than a self will. When they were done, I told them that their perception was interesting, someone correct, but misunderstood, misguided, and well frankly colored in lenses of a world view that was strikingly different than my own.

Well then, who am I? Well, I was someone who grew up under the microscope, as are most young people. I am one who believes that in society, there will always be a referent, a point of comparison when people interact, as Rousseau talks about in the early transformations of society. But, I know exactly who I am. I see my double-consciousness, my otherness, my departure from the norm/mainstream and accept it. I never do things to appease people or defy people per se, but accept the forces of society that exist. I accept my context and define myself accordingly and in spite of. Therefore, if I react to something, it is because I choose to react and will it (yes the Nietzschean in me) then so be it. I am a person who loves to hear other perspectives, ideas, understandings of the world, and learn from them. I am a patch-quilt maker... I learn from the world, I react to the world, I take from the world, and hopefully I give back to the world. If we think that self-will can be completely stripped from society/social bonds, language games, collectivity, all of these ideals then life is reduced to socratic logic of 'If A is B, and B is C then A is C', but even Socrates/Plato recognizes that life adjusts, shifts, and reacts as time progresses; as articulated in the Republic and the transformation of people and governments.

So, what does this mean for me... Life, definitions, language games/rules, paradigms, wills ---- all these things change. Whether in minute details or is huge transformations. But back to the point, this person who told me I was going to burn out constantly reacting to people... No I won't, because you react to the world and people around you, but you just pretend that you don't. Call it what you want, accuse me as you may, but simply put... I react, but it is out of acceptance that life is constantly in flux. According to Lyotard (in my own paraphrasing take), language games are subject to rules, life is a series of language games, and if there are no rules, there are no games. However, the worst possible ending is entropy, which in that case, even if actions/words seem to be 'worse' they are in avoidance of completely dying/disappearing - entropy.

Maybe I went off on a tangent.... But what I am trying to say is this: just because people are reactive, doesn't mean that they don't know who they are. Some people accept it, and use it to change the direction of thought, action, life, the world. You think all the great philosophers were suddenly inspired (well other than St. Augustine in the Confessions) out of nowhere? They were reacting to the status quo of their society, whether they were incorporated within it or not. Contemplation, the idea of thinking about something, is a reaction. Your body is a series of reactions. If every cell reacts, how can you not as a whole being? Nietzsche called these reactions will to power.... maybe they are. Who knows really.

This post is a reaction...

Oh SNAP panic attack!

Good Afternoon. ^_-

So, I have a tendency to reflect on conversations unintentionally for hours, days, weeks, months, and even years after they occur. I'm not really sure why. Some people have advised me to merely "shut off my brain" or "stop thinking" but it's not that simple. A person, especially me, can't just turn off their brain as though there is an 'on/off' switch. Bits and pieces of conversations always comeback to me. I may forget your name, but many conversations replay in my head, despite my lack of memory in regards to the person I am speaking to. But anyway, it is not something I can just get rid of.

The other day my dad was telling me that in his culture growing up, people used to burn their old journals to symbolize a new start. That with blogs, it is not as easy to give up on the past and start a new beginning with all these emotions still percolating in your brain. That well, people are unlikely to 'delete' all their old posts (or disable their old accounts). As much as I think that burning old journals is a wicked way to start a new phase in life, it is not really probable for me... Unless I suddenly get amnesia.

Anyway, so I was having a conversation with someone today. We exchanged some words and our argument escalated. It escalated quickly and ended quickly, but escalated nonetheless. This conversation was not a new one. It was one that has been lurking in my mind, snippets from other conversations in the past; Like they snowball into one moment and suddenly disperse. Anyway, I organize things in my head thematically, so it doesn't matter who the person is, it is the issue/topic itself that triggers emotions for me.

Basically, I realized something after my conversation this morning... well, in comparison to past conversations as well. People don't do the same thing. People don't think the same way. People don't remember conversations. In fact, people rarely think about the conversations after the day's end or maybe the week's end. I know it sounds silly to not realize that previously, because I knew this, I just didn't realize it. I don't think I bottle up emotions, but I do think that I have a reserve that I tap into sometimes. Today, is one of those days... When the reserve is overflowing, and on such days I avoid conversation. I avoid confrontation. I avoid speaking at large. I avoid it, because I know that whatever I say will escalate and I'd rather not save that argument unintentionally in my mind. This is not something people need to take personally, it's a human flaw that I have. I need to learn how to deal with it.

So, basically... What am I saying here?

For most people, they'll just assume that I'm temporarily 'moody'. I allow that assumption to hold. But really, I am overflowing with thoughts... I am thinking so much about so many things, that I avoid people till my thoughts settle. Sometimes it's a five minute break other times it may be a day. Otherwise, my thoughts are like boiling water, burning hot, bubbles popping, somewhat impetuous, and can only be tempered with a bit of time.

Why am I posting this? Well, for me, blogging allows some of those thoughts to settle a bit more quickly.
But really, Why am I posting this? Well, because although I know I can't stop thinking, I am hoping that someone out there has some constructive advice on how to deal with 'overflowing thoughts'. As well is, how to filter out some of those conversations that really don't need to stay in my brain, but end up there for years. I mean, I have conversations from when I was in summer camp in 1998 playing in my brain and trust me, that period of my life is done and over with. I have a couple from kindergarten even! And they just randomly play in my head... and I sit there and think and think and think about them. Constantly asking myself: What does this mean to me now? Why am I thinking about this? Is it wrong to think about this? Am I psychoanalyzing myself? Then I go on a cost-benefit analysis of self-reflection.... and this will all be going on, while I'm in mid conversation with one of you about, I don't know, say the revolutionary war or something. So, this internal frustration with lack of answers will lead to an aggressiveness in our revolutionary war conversation, and viola --> we escalate into an argument, that really was not supposed to happen.

So, again... why am I posting this?
A) Advice please! on de-cluttering the mind!
B) Forgive me if I ever pushed you into an argument without meaning to.
C) If I need a moment to 'breathe', please it'll just be better for the both of us if you let me take it.
D) I will think about our conversations long after you've forgotten about them, so.... just think about that for a bit.

I guess that's all I really wanted to say.
peace.

mother effer

I type this... as tears stream out of my eyes and my heart clenches in a way that can only be the product of utter exasperation and irritation.
I walked around campus today, and heard and heard and heard the repetition of the word "mother effer..." but you know, the full word. Now, as a woman, mother anything strikes a sense of anger within me, but a word that is so saturated with racist history... well, that hurts.
It hurts me so much, that I could help but start crying when I turned to this boy standing by me. And I said.... "do you know what the word you just said means?" and the one who had made the moronic statement said "what?" As though he was unsure of what I was saying, or maybe that I even spoke at all. Given that my voice was shaking, we were in a room full of people, and well I was the only person who really looked "different" I gathered up my courage, threw a silent prayer to the skies and said "It is the term used, in which slave owners referred to their slaves, because they would force them to breed with their mothers"..... And the boy looked at me... I say boy, but he may have been my age, who knows. But he looked at me as though I was the ignorant one, as though I was the rude one, as though I was the one who spent the last 5 minutes cussing up a storm.
And he said, nothing. Actually, it was more of a "gasp" but not in that "oh my God" kind of way. But you know....

So, I walk away, to pick up my order from taco bell, and he turns to his friend and he's like "I have plenty of black friends, and I've never heard that before".... and then starts cussing me out, like I wasn't 2 feet away, or that he was pretending like I should pretend not to hear him. Now, if you were wondering about his race, I guess his statement makes his distinction clear.... So, moving from that point of distinction, his friend, who happened to be black, was so beautifully eloquent, that I just wanted to hug him on the spot, but resisted the urge. Anyway, the one who used the poopy statement, just went on and on about how I should have not spoken. But from the looks of everyone in the room, I think they all stood on me with this issue, and his friend said "she's just educating you about history".... and they just went on and on.

So, I moved on. Sat down at the first secluded table as I tend to do. And began writing. I decided, that I will write a poem about those words, about this encounter, but I am not quite ready to do so yet. Some things are better left unsaid, and sometimes the messenger gets shot, but someone needs to 'deliver the message'. I think he was upset that a small little quiet girl had the audacity to say something to him. I'm sorry for verbally castrating you stranger, but sometimes things are worth saying. Some things, like those words, are better left unsaid....

Now, why the post? Well, it hurts that people are so naively ignorant. Just because you never heard something before, doesn't mean there is no history to it. Science is the discovery of preexisting things, moments, times, experiences, and/or all of the above, and giving it a name or label. Not that I am reducing science to that meaning only, but in this instance I will stand by that definition. I instantaneously started crying when I heard this young man. Tears just poured out of my eyes, as though I was actually standing outside in the rain, rather within the shelter of a building. I hope that people become more aware about the words they use. Or willing to accept advice from a stranger, who has nothing to gain and everything to lose when giving their thoughts to someone they may never see again.

I don't know where I am going with this. But I know this, I am too sensitive when it comes to words. Maybe it's a product of being a student of philosophy, but I hope that people just develop a tiny bit more understanding and respect to their surroundings.

I don't know. I guess I'll never know. Thoughts anyone?

Some posts I'd like to share:

http://open.salon.com/blog/trig_palin/2009/09/04/a_history_of_the_term_motherfucker

oh snap! oh-sama!

I don't really know how to begin to comment on this. In fact, so many people attacked their facebook walls with messages of relief, of shock, of sarcasm, of anger, of justice, of fear, of hope, of conspiracy theories, of so much. I find that maybe, just maybe a collection of those posts would be interesting to view in one larger post... but I'm too lazy to do some investigative facebook stalking *cough* I mean....journalism.

Anyway, so Osama Bin Laden has been killed. http://www.cnn.com/2011/WORLD/asiapcf/05/02/bin.laden.dead/index.html?hpt=T1&iref=BN
and really, I just don't know what to say. The first thought that popped into my head when CNN sent me my news update via text message was: wow... it feels like the boogey man is dead.

But then I thought, as I drifted back into sleep, that boogey man has friends.... and they are equally as scary. :x
I don't want to turn our political reality into a bed time story, or a 'monsters' movie sequel, but my relief turned into a sense of fear. Not because I believe these monsters may retaliate, because we could withstand that as long as we remain human, but rather people have been so accustomed to hating an unseen (and deserving) enemy, that we may direct that hate elsewhere. I don't know. I fear that we have internalized hate and it has become a part of us.



An interesting blog post I wanted to share: http://sweetlife.blastmagazine.com/2011/05/01/bin-ladens-dead-now-what/

So, what do I have to say about OBL's death, nothing really. I will not say that it was good or bad for him to die, because, in the end, he was a human being, twisted, but human. I would have felt that rather than being a casualty of war, he should have been put to trial for his crimes against humanity. This should have been something the world should have witnessed. Who knows. I mean, I'm just a young person with no real wisdom. But, I pray that we all find a sense of justice and hope towards improving society through mutual understanding, compassion, love for humanity, toleration, and even more so, acceptance of people's differences.

I will end on this:

“The cost of liberty is less than the price of repression” (W.E.B. Du Bois).