hello. So, I've come to the realization that I am scared. Which is sad, because no one ever associates me with fear, or at least I don't think people do, they might, I just might not know it. Anyhow, I am scared.
of what?!? good question.
I'm scared of many things, but I think it stems from failure. I have realized that I've gotten way too comfortable in mediocrity. Well, two things actually. I've also come to the realization that my family is made up of eccentrics. So, normalcy and mediocrity is relative. But anyway, my fear of failure has turned me into a static, ineffective, and stalled person. I'm essentially stuck in neutral. I have been so unproductive and that scares me. I was trying to understand why I have been so unproductive lately, when my whole life, I've managed to juggle millions of things simultaneously, while being very efficient and fruitful. And I realized that if I do nothing, nothing bad can happen. And in arabic they say 'nawm bijir nawm' which means, sleep drags more sleep. Basically, the more you sleep (or are inefficient) the more tired and sleepy you get.
Anyhow, I realized even more so, I fear inefficiency more than failure. So, for the last couple of months, I've felt like 'enh, I don't want to do anything' and in the last month or so, SOOO MANY OPPORTUNITIES HAVE BEEN THROWN MY WAY! and the odd thing is, they aren't opportunities that I can reject or ignore. So, like the other day I had a midterm that I barely studied for, and apparently I did really well, and so forth. So, yesterday, I realized that I can ignore and punish myself as much as I want, but God won't abandon me. Actually, He's got my back, even though my back was turned on Him.
And I have decided that screw failure and screw inefficiency, I will be as energetic, fruitful, productive, constructive, vigorous, and teeming as possible. I am going to grab opportunity by the horns, and make my way on this earth.
Many people have told me that I would be a great instigator for change and productivity in the world,that I will revolutionize the way Muslim women will be viewed, and I have always laughed at those statements. Well now, I'm going to make those statements my way of life. I will (inshaAllah/God Willing) instigate change towards the positive. I will revolutionize society. I will show the world what one Muslim woman can do.
So, for all those who don't know me my aims are: - to be a political theory professor (my favorite subject because it's so comprehensive), so I can help people discover themselves (their thoughts and ideas) and the world around them, and show them that everything is at their fingertips. - to teach the new coming generations that you must THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX! Standards are created by yourself, no one should be able to dictate you in any way, shape or form. - to share my experiences through my poetry and short stories - to influence scholarly works in my field, because it's about time muslim political thought gets introduced into the field. Or some feminist interpretations get pushed to the forefront, rather than pushed off to the side, with only a 2 second interpretation. - to embrace what it means to be a muslim woman, and that means self and community empowerment, by developing and exercising minds.
Essentially, I am making an attempt banish fear to lowest and deepest recesses of hell. We need change. We need to defy norms. We need to be effective.