Take in a deep breath... hold it for about ten seconds... let it go... Repeat 15 times.
I am attempting to remain calm. I am attempting to keep myself together. I am attempting to stifle my 'reactionary' anger.
I was with my sister and she told me "No one is perfect, nor do you have to be" (I don't think she said it that way, but that's what I understood)... after she said that... I just wanted to curl up in a ball, somewhere, and hide.
My dad (who I love beyond reason, but in this instance I was ready to flip out on) walked in... took a look at me... and basically, told me to leave and find somewhere to calm down. To do whatever it took, for me to relax. I don't think he realized how he said it to me, because in my (twisted and somewhat irrational at that moment) head, it came off as accusatory... Like, you have no right to be frustrated and expressing that frustration right now. I know he did not mean it in that way, but that's how I perceived it. So, I told him to calm down. I projected onto him. I was on the brink of flipping out.
I need some excedrin, because I have this pounding headache, that won't go away. I don't think my parents realize how stressed out I am. I try to keep things positive. I try my hardest to refrain from complaining. I try my hardest to imagine what it may have been like for them in college/grad school or anything. I pretend to be them, and wonder how they may have acted.
I am jealous. I am jealous of my sister and my brother. Sometimes, I'm jealous of my mom and dad too. But specifically, my siblings, because they are so good at letting things go. They are so good at just embracing what is, and going with the flow. One word from my sister, and I feel like my heart is pumping, my lungs are unconstricting, and the flow of oxygen makes it to my brain. She is my reminder to "breathe".
I always wish I had more patience, but in this instance, I wish I could be patient. There's a difference between having and being. But, there's a thin line for me. A thin line between euphoric elation and extreme anger. One psychological word play... and that's it.
I scare myself.
I think, though, I need to remember... "No one is perfect, nor do you have to be"... Repeat it like a mantra... Take in a deep breath... hold it for about ten seconds... let it go... Repeat 15 times. "No one is perfect, nor do I have to be"...